Analagous to stroking one's penis, but done through the activity of thinking. Philosophy comes from the two root words phil, meaning "love", and sophy, meaning "to stroke ones penis incessantly and abstractly while maintaining a pretentious air about you". Combined, we can deduce that this means "to love one's own penis incessantly arrogantly and abstractly." Philosophy is broken down into many disciplines. Some to be considered are: epistemology, metaphysics and ontology.
Epistemology simply asks the question, "how do i know i am a fucking pretentious moron?" Over the centuries, many a party-goer has asked this question to philosophers only to be answered with high noses and comments about how wonderful the wine and cheese is, when you actually know it was 2 buck chuck and a cracker-barrel.
Next comes metaphysics. Metaphysics is what idiots at parties talk about when they are trying to prove they are better than you. Often times this involves theories of Truth, (with a capital T) and theories about why some philosophy dude will never go to home with that hot girl because he shows up to a party with a Nietzsche book in his pocket like its something she should be impressed by.
Ontology is the theory being. It simply asks the question, "Am i a pretentious moron?" Most philosophers cannot answer this question because they are so full of themselves, they cannot see past their own dissertations that try to explain a chair or a desk or any other inanimate object in the room.

While philosophy majors can most generally be categorized as annoying and useless, we can deduce from this simple syllogism the following:
1. All philosophy majors are pretentious assholes.
2. Pretentious assholes will do you favors if you stroke their egos
3. if you stroke a pretentious asshole's ego, you can get him to do anything
4. you can get a philosophy major to do anything if you stroke his ego a little bit.
So they arent completely useless. For example, you can get a philosophy kid to get you a beer when you need one at a party if you tell him you are interested in his theory (which by the way is never his particular theory) but just him reciting some bullshit he read. Nonetheless, if you just appease his need to assert intellectual dominance in a social atmosphere, you have a masturbating helper monkey as your new friend.
"Yo, philosophy geek! Get me a beer dude!"
by FTD May 20, 2005
Top Definition
Contrary to some of the vacuous bullshit you'll find on this page, philosophy is a noble, no, possibly THE most noble academic discipline one can study. Sans repeating what our friend correctly said about the five major fields, I will say this: We live and die for philosophy. Even if we don't realize it, nearly everything we believe is predicated on someone's philosophical investigations. To debase the mother of all sciences as a "waste of the taxpayer's money" is to admit barefaced ignorance.

Oh yeah, and philosophy majors score higher than any other majors on the graduate exam; mathematics students come in second. Maybe they're doing something right.

PS. I'm not a philosophy major.
Do philosophy, dipshit.
by Matt May 26, 2004
Think about it.

No,think about -> "IT"
"It....think about it...
1. The major for people who value education and intelligent thought over silly matters such as getting a job.

2. The reason that one day I will live in a box, unless I buckle down and take those damn LSATs.
Homeless man: Give me money!
Pedestrian: Hey, I recognize you! Werent you an honors philosophy student at my college?
Homeless man: But what does 'recognition' REALLY mean? *ponders*
by susievader September 30, 2007
The highest and most noble academic discipline one can study.

Philosophy undertakes the task of determining the fundamental nature of human existence with thorough logical analysis. Philosophy can be broken down into four major branches:

1. Metaphysics: the study of ultimate reality
2. Epistemology: the study of knowledge
3. Ethics: the study of human actions and conduct
4. Aesthetics: the study of art and beauty
Once you study philosophy, science doesn't seem as interesting.
by Vega7000 November 19, 2005
The habit of continuously asking questions about every aspect of the human condition.Has been known to make some of its adepts pompous and arrogant,but has also made others a little brighter than they were before.
Philosophy was an integral part of his/her life.
by Joe Twothree May 16, 2004
"Philosophy- A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing." --Ambrose Bierce
It was late one night when I was on a road trip with my two friends, Brian and Laura, when we decided to pull over to the side of the road and retire.

"Looks like you'll be sleeping in the car while Laura and I have the tent," Brian said.

"Here's the blanket," he continued, "You'll be fine with this, won't you?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"How is one sure of anything?"

"Or that there is any thing to be sure of," he added.

We both nodded, contemplating the profundity.
by Killing Kittens October 06, 2004
The love of knowledge and the love of seeking it, then producing exhaustive writings of exhausting and inept metaphors, being refuted by another philosopher's exhausting and inept metaphors, then replying in rebuttal to challengers, ad nauseum. While one of the most noble intellectual pursuits, it is also one of the most masturbatory.
Summa Philosophia: Key Figures in Philosophy, Summarized in 500 Words or Less

Nietzsche = Woot, but mighta had bad thoughts about family members.

Socrates = Straight up gangsta, dat nigga drank any drank put in frunna him.

Plato = Overrated heir apparent of Socrates that screwed up Science for more than a thousand years with First Principles and other useless crap.

Aristotle = Reincarnated some time later into Gene Wilder.

Aquinas = Justified Catholic bullshit from a very comfy chair.

Confucius = Had the same PR agent as Jesus and gets all sorts of cool stuff attributed to him.

Augustine = Converted to Christianity early enough that he was one of the religion's editors - he gave you the God you "know" now by stealing heavily from Plato.

Descartes = Brought intellectualism to new highs and degrees of convolution by rationalizing things instead of pulling new crazy shit out of his ass.

Kant = Changed Minds. No, really - he changed them from being viewed as a cup that sorta just fills up with experiences into a filter and interpreter of sensory data. A computer rather than a trashcan.

Kierkegaard = Brought angst to the forefront of philosophy and did ultimately dehumanizing things that lead to quantifying peoples' lives in terms like "The Average Person spends 1/3rd of his Life Asleep" and other damning, mope-infested whinings about escapism and wasting time. Waste of Time? Kierkegaard.

Lao Tzu = The Asian Sensation. Tao De Ching is a quick read with little novel and even useful tidbits. Like a compilation of fortune cookie fortunes, but better.

John Locke = Shared a few basic principles with Kant. The mind is a house furnished with experiences and sensory input.

Karl Marx = History is the record of class conflict, material interests, and the exchange and exploitation involving them. Philosophy should not just interpret the world, but shape it.

Pascal = Somehow made the first mechanical calculator at age 15 in 1642. Beat that, fuckers. Sadly, he abandoned supermathgenius for philosophy, probably shooting all of humanity in the foot in the process, but he at least contributed to scientific investigation.

Spinoza = Ultimately just another dude that desperately needs God to exist in some fashion, but wrote avidly of ethics and against traditional religious views. Interest in his writing persists in modern environmentalists and ecologists.

Hume = Related the mind in terms of perception (impressions), processing and memory (idea). Like a bunch of other dudes. It was inevitable, really, but thanks for getting your papers in on time. ;D

Leibniz = Desperately tried to resolve The Problem of Evil so that God could be both Omnipotent and Benevolent at the same time and totally looked retarded for it. Voltaire totally burned him in Candide for it.

The ultimate lesson of Philosophy that you will never find in these old dead guys' writing is this: You utilize what is useful and discard what is not. No one has the answer and if someone somehow did, no one else would believe it or realize it. Walk your own way and try not to step on other peoples' toes. Wear comfortable shoes. Bring water.
by gadiv January 09, 2009

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