Do you want to get rid of all your pesky friends and/or potential suitors... then this is the job for you! Surely at some point in your life, you've thought to yourself "How can I eliminate the burden of having to hang out with my friends and/or annoying boyfriend/girlfriend"... The answer is simple work an average of 80 hours per week, usually out of town. Don't worry... those pesky friends will forget you exist in no time and your annoying boyfriend/girlfriend will as well. The upside to losing all of your real friends is that you have time (no less than 80 hours per week usually) to make new friends with all the other lonely people you work with. Your particularly lonely managers who have been using this strategy for 5+ years will always invite you to lunch or dinner on Friday night, Satuday and Sunday... o.k. invite might not be the right word... Now your thinking... that could probably make me single and alone, but how can I ensure that I will stay that way... The answer... you will become much less attractive. Under-eye baggage, the type of tan you can only get from spending months surrounded by the soft glow of a laptop monitor, an additional 15-40 lbs right around the middle, and that overall "I haven't slept in a week" look are generally part of the normal benefits package... if they don't offer it to you during your recruiting, rest assured that it is included.
My last manager before Deloitte: Jessica Alba
My last manager after 5 years with Deloitte- Smeagol
by Exhausted March 03, 2012
aka professional cock suckers.
Pete: I might go down soho for some oral tonight.

Dave: Try Deloitte first, I've heard they're very select with their clients.
by Employee April 14, 2005
A public Accounting firm where, on any given day, people walk around with attitudes and grudges. The problem is, MOST of these people should NOT have these grudges because they are either OLD or not very attractive!! Most of the women walk around as if their 'you know what' doesn't smell. The problem here is that it DOES smell. Most of the day is spent backstabbing employees who actually have lives outside the firm - this gives the not very attractive people something to do. Most of the people who do things on the weekends end up being asked to leave, upon which they find a new job for the same salary, but with less hours and demands. This further annoys the 'I'm a company man forever' types and they take it out on new hires. Not one of these 'company man' types can satisfy his/her spouse and usually is the first to find out that someone else is doing the satisfying.
She is 5'2' and weighs almost 200 pounds why does she have an attitude?

She must work at Deloitte
by Dave April 02, 2005
A company that has taken the pimps and hoes business model to the corporate world. The directors and partners are the pimps at the highest echelons of the Deloitte hierarchy, followed in order of descending worth by Associate Directors, Senior Managers, Managers, Assistant Managers, Senior Consultants, Consultants and jnr. consultants. There are so many levels in this place that one would think they enlisted in the army - not surprisingly, its not too different from the army. When you join Deloitte you give up your identity as an individual and become a Deloittan - its not too dissimilar from being assimilated by the Borg. If you prefer to follow in rank and file then you will love Deloitte. If you aren't a complete tool when you join Deloitte, you will be as soon as you have spent a few months there.

Deloitte Culture
--------------------
Prides itself in a culture known as the "Deloitte Way" where you can get your friends and minions to vote for you and be recognized as a top 10 representative of the Deloitte Way values which include lying, cheating, manipulating your way to the top of the food chain. Employees at junior levels get treated like garbage. Being such a rank based organization, your title dictates your status at the company and hence everyone is always fighting and willing to stab each other in the back to get to the top. Pretty much everyone at the very senior levels of this organization are flaming douche bags with no integrity.
Deloitte Hierarchy and worth
------------------------------------
Partner: Top Dog
Directors: Kings and Queens
Associate Directors: Almost there
Senior Manager: Important
Manager: Almost Important
Assistant Manager: Competent but disposable
Senior Consultant: Senior pleb
Consultant: pleb
Jnr. Consultant: Apprentice pleb

Getting promoted at Deloitte
------------------------------------
If you aren't well versed in the art of brown nosing then you can all but forget about being promoted here.

How to succeed at Deloitte
----------------------------------
- Learn to kiss ass
- Give up your individuality, give up your own values and assimilate the Deloitte identity - you must become a Deloittan
- be aggressive, yes, you heard right be aggressive and take what you want
- Develop strong alliances with the cliques and groups in power quickly
- Don't trust anyone
- Be sneaky
- Leave your morals at the door
- Lie, manipulate, cheat...do whatever you have to to get ahead.
- Develop good relationships with your Development Facilitator(Coach) - they hold the keys to your future.
by OverMan1982 September 17, 2013
Ah yes - this organization is one that fosters backstabbing and cliques. It then proclaims to be 'The Employer of Choice' An organization where you will NOT succeed, unless you are Asian. This is because the Seniors who are Asian give the work to the Asian guys and most of the non-Asian Senior men are bald, short, ugly - or a combination of the three, and they just looooooooooove Asian girls. Most of the young chicks are methed-out from the hours and some even have mid-back tattoos! There are some cool people at Deloitte, but they are few and far between and IN NO WAY want to join a clique.
I'm pretty cool, good-looking, healthy and have a lot of friends and family.

Well, you don't want to work for Deloitte - it'll all be lost!
by Dave - O November 15, 2005
1. A business environment fostering annoying, whiny, pompous, "wheres is mommy and daddy to pay my bills" individuals who not quite understand the concept of hard work or the ability to lead instead of following.

2. A firm where the misuse of client funds is used for the transportation of partners to strip clubs and work because the demi-gods are not allowed to touch public transportation
Dan: Bro, what happened to John, he whines more than my girl on the rag.

Ron: Hes a deloitte man, hes a deloitte. Just let him go.
An accounting firm full of people who didn't fill out the DAMN Global Commitment Survey! I bet more people voted on this definition than those who filled out the damn survey which can actually help the situation and possibly change the definition. I guess this is why turnover at Deloitte hovers around 50% a year.
Deloitte be bustin' a GAAP yo ass.
by Material Weakness March 30, 2005

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