Couldn’t be me. 

Usually follows “Imagine ___.” Can be replaced by, “can’t relate.” A subtle way to make fun of something someone does. Can also be used to tell someone what you’re doing.

teacher: max, please move to the front row, away from your friends.
bella: imagine being moved to the front row, couldn’t be me.

//or//

bella, calling max: imagine being in school right now, couldn’t be me.

Couldn’t be me. by kindagroovin February 26, 2020

couldn't care less 

The proper way to express how you don't give a crap about something - you really don't care about something and it's impossible to not care any more. The common but incorrect variant "could care less" (which would technically imply that you do care about something) is widely used because of either a translation mistake into English, or those who blindly use phrases without taking a moment to understand their actual meaning.

Person A: A company just got sued for patent infringement!
Person B: *yawn* Oh really? I couldn't care less.

couldn't care less by generic June 11, 2006

couldn't find his ass with two hands 

Someone who does not have a clue about what is going on around them. A person that has to have jokes explained to them. Even worse, someone that acts as if they don't understand something even when they understand perfectly.

That jerkoff Devlin couldn't find his ass with two hands .

couldn't find his ass with two hands by dempsey4mk July 10, 2006

couldn't find his dick in the dark 

Someone who is oblivious, has declining mental facilities, or is simply stupid and cannot recognize obvious things or cannot take on simple tasks.

It's no surprise he gave that gold digger his ATM pin number--he's so dumb he couldn't find his dick in the dark.

couldn't find his dick in the dark by Marcoda December 9, 2011

couldn't catch shit in a diaper 

1. An athlete who simply cannot catch the ball

2. A fisherman who has suffered through a rough day on the seas with nothing to show for his effort.

3. A guy who has absolutely no chance of succeeding in landing a girl when he hits the club at night.

1. Dwayne tracked the ball well enough, but since he couldn't catch shit in a diaper, he dropped the ball.

2. James couldn't catch shit in a diaper, and now his family has nothing to eat tonight.

3. Pat weighs in at about 350 pounds, so he couldn't catch shit in a diaper at the 9:30 Club.

couldn't catch shit in a diaper by Joe Sam December 15, 2015

couldn't care less 

don't give a fuck.

Other: "Oh my gosh, did you hear about Jennie and her..."
Me: "Oh my gosh, did you hear abut the time that I couldn't care less?"
Other: "No"
Me: "Oh, well it's now :)"

couldn't care less by Don't give a fuck December 15, 2016

couldn't drive a greasy stick up a pigs ass 

Referring to someones inability to do something.

Most commonly used to portray someones shit driving ability.

Dude 1: "Let me drive"
Dude 2: "You couldn't drive a greasy stick up a pigs ass"

couldn't drive a greasy stick up a pigs ass by vkwagz June 14, 2017