earpuller's definitions

Expanding Family Syndrome

the annoying tendency of family groups in stores and other public places to spread out and block access for other shoppers or patrons. seen more often during the holiday shopping seasons, but can occur at any time. EFS can cause unsuspecting people to be forced hard against walls, merchandise displays, etc., or to have to detour around the family group to get at something of interest. similar to groups of aircraft, families often spread into various "vee" formations, echelons, and the dreaded "random EFS," past which nothing can pass, not even light.

this past christmas while shopping at a well-known discount department store, i was accosted by a family of four walking in a row across the aisle. as i was checking out items to purchase, the family came upon me, the dad saying "excuse us," as if i had anyplace else to go. i chose to stand my ground, causing the mom to glare at me and the family to pass me single-file. in this manner i prevented an outbreak of Expanding Family Syndrome.

by earpuller April 27, 2006

schrute

noun, a schrute is an annoying co-worker, one who specifically attaches himself to you, decides that you're best buddies, and procedes to make your work life unbearable. derived from Rainn Wilson's character Dwight Schrute from NBC's "The Office."

Sorry, I'd have had this report done sooner, but this schrute kept interrupting me with inane questions. that's why it took me three hours to finish a project that should have taken a half-hour.

by earpuller December 30, 2005

the NASA scale

just like a NASA launch, counting down from 1 to 10 while watching the ladies. from a distance she looks hot (a 10,) but by the time she's right in front of you she turns out to be glass-shatteringly ugly (a 1.)

dan and stan are walking down main street when they see a woman at the other end of the block walking towards them-
dan: dude! check her out, she's a 10!!
stan: nah, maybe a nine.
dan: yeah, she's kind of fat. make her an 8.
stan: and her nose looks like an eggplant. 7.
dan: gross! she's got a huge booger, too! 6.
stan: and a better mustache than either of us. 5.
dan: look at her hat-she's got no hair! 4.
stan: except for her legs. 3.
dan: you could open a bottle of beer with the gap between her front teeth! 2.
stan: and she's cross-eyed to boot! 1.
both: ah, houston, we've got a problem-ABORT! ABORT!
dan: thank god for the NASA scale!

by earpuller November 22, 2010

pushing water uphill

a descriptive phrase for attempting any hopeless task. If you've ever tried to push water uphill you'll understand the concept.

literal-Part of my job involves clearing water from the floor of my work station. Because the floor is pitched away from the drain, it takes an inordinate amount of time to clear the water, because I'm always pushing it uphill.
figurative-Asking your boss for a raise in these times of tight money makes as much sense as pushing water uphill.

by earpuller January 19, 2006

guacamole shower

a rare phenomenon caused by the unrestricted spillage of guacamole dip. often caused by an exploding guacagrenade, the guacamole shower leaves everything in its path stained an avocado green, at least until the next rainstorm.

as lisa tried to pick up the serving bowl of guacamole dip, it slipped from her greasy hands and crashed to the table, strewing green stuff everywhere. "nice guacamole shower, lisa," tammi yelled, "i hope it rains soon, or at least before mom and dad get back from cancun."

by earpuller July 16, 2006

FOR ME TO POOP ON!

from the "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" show. Standard insult given by Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog. Used at the end of a sentence to change a comment/statement/compliment into an insult or put-down. Notice the context of the sentence examples to see how to use it (or decline to use it.)

good time to use it: Oh yes, I just bought your new CD, Ashlee, and it is the greatest thing in the world.....FOR ME TO POOP ON!
bad time to use it: Mom, can you make some Rice Krispies treats......FOR ME TO POOP ON? *gets smacked by Mom, then Dad, then by the rest of the family*

by earpuller December 28, 2005

judge joe brown

verb-to be told off or schooled by an older man, who is probably right for getting on your ass. If it's an older woman, use the verb judge judy.

bobby: when my dad finds out i wrecked his car he's gonna judge joe brown me for hours.

by earpuller October 1, 2005