earpuller's definitions

situational lesbian

a straight woman who uses the old "i'm a lesbian" line to put off an undesirable (at least in her eyes) guy who is hitting on her. actually, she wouldn't munch the carpet if her life depended on it, but she figures it's better to give a phony excuse to the bozo than to tell him the truth and have it turn out he's a heavily-armed psychopath.

ben: uh, hey jen, would you like to go to the movies with me tomorrow night?
jen: sorry, ben. i guess you didn't know i'm gay. but thanks anyway! (walks quickly ot the other side of the room.)
len: who was that creep? want me to smash his face in for you?
jen: no, he's okay. i just told him i'm a dike and his boner went all soft.
len: wow, you're a real situational lesbian, aren't you? wanna let me fuck your brains out? whoa, looks like i'm too late!

by earpuller November 23, 2010

pantsing

pantsing is the act of letting the pantsie know that the showing of old, cheap, smelly underwear by wearing one's pants (bought at Big Lots or stolen from the laundromat) low on the hips offends a person or persons directly behind, to the point that the pantser feels a social and patriotic obligation to embarass the pantsie by pulling down the pants the rest of the way and letting the pantsie try to walk away without looking like a ruptured duck.

ike: check out that guy! his dad must be a plumber!
mike: holy shit! maybe he's unable to dress himself without his mommy's help!
ike: or maybe he can't undress himself.............should we give him a hand?
mike: sure! in fact, let's give him two hands!
*at this point the pantsing is performed on the victim*
ike: nice knees, loser! pull up your pants and get the hell away from here!
mike: isn't some village missing an idiot? maybe you should apply, you little pantsie!

by earpuller September 27, 2005

kardash

having many or all of the characteristics of one of the famous Kardashian sisters (how come we never hear about the unfamous Kardashian sisters?) These include well-oversized posteriors, excessive use of eye makeup, black hair that surely came from a bottle, and a vocal quality that makes Fran Drescher sound like an accomplished Broadway actress.

tony: hey, did you see the new receptionist? big ole' butt, and racoon eyes.
donie: and that voice! she sounds all kardash, like those sisters on TV.....what was their name again?
tony: you mean the Kardashians? that's the name you can't remember. how kardash of you.
donie: yeah. speaking of kardash, what kind of printers' ink does your mom use to keep her youthful appearance?

by earpuller December 7, 2010

y.a.n.g.b.

an acronym for a terrible thing for a woman to say to a smitten man-"you're a nice guy, but..." it usually means that the woman in question wouldn't be caught dead with the poor dope, but she doesn't want to make him mad or sad, for whatever reason. this phrase is right up there with the more well-known saying "can't we just be friends?", which of course means "i don't want to know you exist, but i don't want you to think i'm a bitch just because i wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth." ladies, girls, women of the world, can't you turn us down politely and let us know you're just not interested in a romantic relationship with us?

larry-"hey, uh, carrie, i was wondering if you'd like to go out with me sometime, like out to dinner or to a movie or somethin'"
carrie-"gee, larry, you're a nice guy, but i don't think i can go out with you because (insert lame reason here.)"

LATER THAT DAY-
carrie, to her friends-"holy crap, can you believe that big fat ugly stupid dork had the nerve to ask me out? what does he think, i'm a blind desperate retard?"
MEANWHILE, ACORSS TOWN-
barry-"hey, man, so did you ask her out?"
larry-"yeah, but she gave me the old y.a.n.g.b. goddamned stupid stuck-up little bitch."
barry-"sucks to be you, moron!!"
larry-"gee, thanks, asshole. with friends like you, who needs enemies?"

by earpuller November 21, 2007

schrute

noun, a schrute is an annoying co-worker, one who specifically attaches himself to you, decides that you're best buddies, and procedes to make your work life unbearable. derived from Rainn Wilson's character Dwight Schrute from NBC's "The Office."

Sorry, I'd have had this report done sooner, but this schrute kept interrupting me with inane questions. that's why it took me three hours to finish a project that should have taken a half-hour.

by earpuller December 30, 2005

the NASA scale

just like a NASA launch, counting down from 1 to 10 while watching the ladies. from a distance she looks hot (a 10,) but by the time she's right in front of you she turns out to be glass-shatteringly ugly (a 1.)

dan and stan are walking down main street when they see a woman at the other end of the block walking towards them-
dan: dude! check her out, she's a 10!!
stan: nah, maybe a nine.
dan: yeah, she's kind of fat. make her an 8.
stan: and her nose looks like an eggplant. 7.
dan: gross! she's got a huge booger, too! 6.
stan: and a better mustache than either of us. 5.
dan: look at her hat-she's got no hair! 4.
stan: except for her legs. 3.
dan: you could open a bottle of beer with the gap between her front teeth! 2.
stan: and she's cross-eyed to boot! 1.
both: ah, houston, we've got a problem-ABORT! ABORT!
dan: thank god for the NASA scale!

by earpuller November 22, 2010

on-ramp blocking

the practice of preventing a driver from safely merging onto a freeway or other high-speed roadway. this is accomplished by the blocking car driving at the same speed as the merging car, and directly slongside. this action usually causes the merging driver to back off and merge behind the blocker; sometimes, though, the two cars collide because neither one gives way. often associated with NASCAR fans on public roads, on-ramp blocking is also common in major metropolitan areas.

jed: man, i couldn't believe it!! i was trying to get on the freeway, but some clown in a hyundai accent decided to ride alongside of me until we almost crashed at the entrance. what a jag-off!
ned: yeah, too many people commit random acts of on-ramp blocking these days. i'll take the back roads and avoid trouble.

by earpuller July 2, 2006