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11 definitions by Simian Infernus

 
1.
A person, usually a teenage boy, who's social life, and possibly other aspects of his life have been destroyed by the movie "Twilight".

This has happened because the friends-that-are-girls of this man have become completely addicted to everything and anything that has to do with the movie "Twilight". These friends may wear articles of black or dark blue clothing that say completely stupid phrases like, "Your scent is like a drug to me", "I'd never given much thought to how I would die... But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go", or, "You are my life now". The Twilight Victim has no idea what significance these phrases have, and most Twilight Victims haven't even seen the movie. They learn to hate the parts of the movie that the girls mention most. The girls only mention certain parts to the Twilight Victim, the parts that the girl knows will piss off the guy the most.

The friends are also characterized by:

1) Comparing the way people look to Edward Cullen and Isabella Who-Gives-A-Shit

2) Threatening to "Cut you up and burn you", if you don't "Get in the sunlight and sparkle"

3) Getting mad at ME for wearing sexy sunglasses, then yelling at me that I need to take them off and give them back to Edward Cullen

4) Having an obsession with red apples

5) Dropping red apples on their foot and trying to make it pop back into their hand

6) For some reason, they like really old rusty beat-up red pickup trucks

7) Love cloudy/rainy days

8) Like to bite

9) Carrying around glitter to throw on guys

10) Have an Edward Cullen poster that, suspiciously, has make-up all over Edward's face

These friends basically ruin the Twilight Victim's (also known as Twictim) life because they never shut the fuck up about retarded things, like how gorgeous Edward Cullen is, even though he looks like a freak.

A Twictim also has many good defensive arguments as to why Twilight is bullshit. Some of these may include, but are not limited to:

1) Men don't sparkle

2) Apples don't bounce

3) Men don't sparkle

4) The only way to kill a vampire is to DRIVE A WOODEN STAKE THROUGH IT'S HEART!!

5) Men honestly don't sparkle. They just don't

6) Twilight has NO plotline. It is a series of events happening between two not-so-good looking people. And one of those people sucks blood

7) The entire Cullen family looks like they're made of wax. What is attractive about that?

8) My sunglasses are NOT Edward Cullen's

9) They don't fly. They jump/glide/float. Do you see them flapping their wings? No. Do you know why? Because they're not really vampires, and they don't have wings like vampires are supposed to have!!!

10) And finally, men DO NOT sparkle. No. Never will. Never. I'm sorry

Twictims sometimes lash out against these girls by writing things such as, "Edward Cullen sucks" and "Twilight sucks". Sometimes he may even go as far as destroying the girls handwritten fan fiction, which may consist of simply drawn naked pictures of Edward Cullen sitting on the girl's lap. It is enough to make anyone cry.

PLEASE HELP THE CAUSE:

Twictimism is a horrible disease that ravages millions of innocent teenage boys every year. Whenever you see a Twilight DVD, break it. If you see a poster, burn it. Slap girls when they speak of Twilight. Twictimism is a curable disease, but we need your help.
My Twihard Friend: "Hey, what's up?"

Me(Twilight Victim): "Nothin' much. It's sunny out today."

Twihard: "I know...I hate it."

Me: "Yah, I'd hate it too if I was wearing a jet black shirt like that."

Twihard: "Well, that's not why I hate today. It's too sunny. It's not vampire weather. It's hardly ever sunny in Forks."

Me: "Forks? Where the hell is that!? And what does that shirt say...? 'Your scent is like a drug to me.' What's that supposed to mean?"

Twihard: "Exactly what it says."

Me: "You smell like a drug? Wait..." *sniffs the Twihard* "Gross! It SMELLS like you've been wearing that shirt for a month!"

Twihard: *sigh* "That's cus I have. I love this shirt."

Me: "Gross! I can't hang around with you anymore, I'm sorry. I just can't take this Twihard thing. Do you realize how stupid that movie is!?"

Twihard: "Yes, yes, you've explained it several times. But I don't care what you think. Twilight is the best thing to ever happen, you just haven't come to the light yet."

Me: "And I hope to God I never will. Anyways, bye. It was nice knowing you."

Twihard: "Hey, take off Edward's glasses!"

The Twictim in this situation has just lost one of his friends, thereby dropping a piece of his social life. This may continue, bit by bit, until his life has been ravaged by Twictimism
by Simian Infernus June 03, 2009
70 24
 
2.
It's pretty sweet, actually.

It's Facebook + Twitter + Tumblr. (and maybe a few other things that I haven't figured out yet)

You have a news feed, you can just follow people, and it has a reblog-type thing that makes it easy for pointless and stupid but funny things to sweep the internet faster than they ever have before. You can also +1(like) all kinds of stuff.
(on Facebook) Me: Hey, anybody want a Google+ invite?

87 people like this.

Ok, I'm gonna need all your emails...
by Simian Infernus July 16, 2011
121 94
 
3.
phrase. Originating from the movie "Deliverance", when you hear this, run. Apparently, you've just pissed off some country bumpkin and he's about to ass rape you. Nice going, city-slicker.

This phrase is more often than not followed by "I'mma make you squeal like one o' my pigs!"
You: Hey, you ain't got no teeth, so no dental records, and yo mama is yo sista and yo aunt and yo grandmama! Just like all of 'em! How can they tell you apart from the rest of them country bumpkins???

Billy Bob Joe Brown: That's a pertty mouth on you, boy...

You: What's that supposed to mean?

Billy Bob Joe Brown: *points gun* Drop them britches, son.

You: Um um um ok...

Billy Bob Joe Brown: Imma make you squeal like one o' my pigs!

You: What's tha- WRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
by Simian Infernus August 19, 2009
16 8
 
4.
The condition of having a third nipple located somewhere on your body.
That tumor made her look like she had Boob 3.
by Simian Infernus May 03, 2009
12 5
 
5.
A flaming monkey.

The monkey could be naturally on fire because of it's species, or it could have been artificially set ablaze by somebody/something. If artificially set on fire, then it probably won't be looking like a monkey for much longer.

There are several species of naturally burning thermomonkeys. They are located mainly in volcanoes, the Sun, and the alley that runs behind your house. The most common thermomonkey is the Pheonix Chimp, simian infernus.

The Pheonix Chimp derives it's name from the fact that it is capable of flight, though it has no wings. It's flame burns at around 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, but has been recorded as high as 4,815,162,342 degrees. This thermomonkey was on crack and lit the atmosphere on fire. The only way to stop a thermomonkey on a rampage is to put it in an airtight chamber until it's oxygen runs out. Beware, they are dangerous.
Shirley Gay: What's that? Up in the sky!?

Master Bater: It's a bird! It's a plane! Wait...it's...a...

Shirley Gay: ...It looks like a monkey...

Master Bater: ...on fire...? It must be a thermomonkey!!!

Shirley Gay: Look, it's headed straight for the illegal immigrants!

Master Bater: Run! Run little immigrant children!

Beaners: ¡No hablo ingles, señor!

*boom*

Master Bater: More jobs for the rest of us, I guess.
by Simian Infernus July 15, 2009
7 1
 
6.
When two people talk to eachother spontaneously after a long period of being mad at eachother or something else that doesn't allow the two persons 2 talk to eachother. Refers to how when intelligence vessels are forced to not use their radios so that their position can't be discovered. When these vessels do use their radios, it is refered to as "breaking radio silence." Breaking radio silence usually does not reestablish the relationship between those two people, it just allows one of them to retrieve valuable information that they need.
Me: (to ex girlfriend) Hey, I know I'm breaking radio silence, but I forgot Todds cell phone number, so can I get that from you?

Ex Girlfriend: Yah, sure, it's (123)-456-7890.

Me: Thanks!
by Simian Infernus August 05, 2009
8 3
 
7.
phrase. By the time you hear this, you have already had a compliment on your "pertty mouth" from some country bumpkin. Now he's done made you pull your pants down, and you're about to squeal your little heart out.
You: Hey, you ain't got no teeth, so no dental records, and yo mama is yo sista and yo aunt and yo grandmama! Just like all of 'em! How can they tell you apart from the rest of them country bumpkins???

Billy Bob Joe Brown: That's a pertty mouth on you, boy...

You: What's that supposed to mean?

Billy Bob Joe Brown: *points gun* Drop them britches, son.

You: Um um um ok...

Billy Bob Joe Brown: Imma make you squeal like one o' my pigs!

You: What's tha- WRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
by Simian Infernus August 19, 2009
14 10