1- An act of intercourse where the male involved seems completely switched off from the idea that the woman is meant to be getting pleasure, and instead simply gallops towards the semen depositing finale. It leaves the woman feeling like she may as well have been elsewhere. This is a priestly fuck, as one imagines that's exactly how a priest would do it- with as little extra contact as possible so as to make it less of a sin.
2- That guy who disapproves of everything you do that he can't, much like a priest does. He's the bloke who feels it necessary to make himself look better than you by reacting with disgust and incredulous disbelief when hearing of your exploits. He's a priestly fuck, that one. He probably wanks and cries over tales of his mate's debauchery.
1- "I thought you liked Tim, why did you split up?"
"Well, he was a good guy outside of the bedroom, but once we got in there, he subjected me to the most priestly fuck ever, and didn't show any interest in trying again. It's over."
2- Tom- "So I shagged them both. You only live once, right?"
(The assembled mates laugh and agree, gazing at Tom in awe. All except for one.)
Ross- "You ought to be ashamed of yourself"
(Ross gets up and goes to the bar, shaking his head and tutting. The men sit and reel in disbelief)
Tom- "Priestly Fuck!"
1) Ridiculous old-school talk which means "Don't say anything". It's right up there with "Pick your feet up", "Pull your socks up", "Hold your horses" and "Sleep tight". These are also phrases which, if taken literally, would be amusing viewing.
2) A cautionary comment to a bloke who may be considering sex with a woman whose disease status is unknown, but looks rife. (Condoms won't help if you're making oral contact with females, kids. They're not magic.) It obviously means "Don't go down on her, you'll get herpes"
1) "My mummy says you're a harlot"
"Hold your tongue, Julia! And pick your feet up!"
2) "Right, I'm leaving now. Guys, this is Kelly"
(gestures to bleach blonde wearing velour tracksuit and giant hoop earrings, chewing gum and smoking at the same time)
"Alright, but Dave? Take this durex and for the love of God, hold your tongue"
When you finally succeed in meeting that one person that you've fantasized about, finding out that they're pretty awesome and then getting naked and naughty with them........that, my friend, is a total fuckcess! Take a mental photo album of the occasion, and browse at leisure- this one is gonna make you smile for a long time yet.
"Yes, it was a total fuckcess!"
An old people's home. So named because they go in all healthy and plump, and come out all dried and shrivelled, in a box.
"Mum and Dad sent Nana off to the raisin factory. It's called a Retirement Village. It's where you retire from having a life"
Like Secret Santa in that one person delivers something to another, and the recipient was unaware that it was heading their way. Except that the delivery is not a Christmas gift, it's an epic bollocking.
1) One of your friends or family will ultimately humiliate you and make you want to die on the spot. Secret Sergeant encompasses the art of working out which one of the fuckers it will be, eg- one of them is secretly waiting to tear you to shreds, Sgt. style, and the rest of them probably know about it.
2) If you're quietly waiting for the best moment to crush your friend's/lover's/sister's or otherwise acquainted or related person's world, and you have discussed it with others, you are the Secret Sergeant. The way you get your kicks is by not being discovered by your intended target, and getting that moment of sweet, sweet satisfaction when the unsuspecting person falls apart before your eyes. A good Secret Sergeant could wipe the smile off a leprechaun's face.
"One of them is going to go all Secret Sergeant about me running off to vegas and getting married....I need to know which one it is"
"He cried his eyes out. He didn't even see it coming, and I didn't care for his weak and pathetic tears. I went totally Secret Sergeant on him!"
someone who is otherwise unemployed, and spends their entire waking life trawling the internet for free pornography.
"Since Gary lost his job, he has become a full time Internet Explorer"
"Don't be an internet explorer all your life. Get some real sex"
1) Girls who indulge in girl on girl action when surrounded by girls only. Despite being hetero, they get their jollies the gay way, rather than have no action at all. Common in students at all girls boarding schools.
2) A girl who announces she's gay when being chatted up by a bloke she finds repellent.
3) The heterosexual emo females, who believe that gayness=coolness and therefore have all been gay/are currently gay/will be gay very soon but will embrace their genuine sexuality when that is in fashion.
1) I first had sex when I was seventeen, if you don't count the two years in which I attended Roedean and was a convenient lesbian.
2) Phil decided to go home after being shot down by the fifth convenient lesbian of the night.
3) Those emo girls aren't actually gay, you know. They're just convenient lesbians. Next week they'll be into pre-op transexuals to coincide with the latest reality tv show.