An imagined court which tries lawsuits against a specific word or phrase which is accused of being illogical, deceptive, fraudulent, or offensive to someone.
Word Court is currently trying the word HAMBURGER, LIPSTICK, BIRTH CONTROL, CRIMINAL JUSTICE, and others.
NARRATOR
Welcome to Word Court, where words go on trial.
SECRETARY
Today, we will hear oral arguments in case number 52-67-42, Consumers v Commercial Users of the word HAMBURGER.
JUDGE WORDY
Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, please state your case.
PROSECUTOR
Your honor and members of the jury. This class action lawsuit is against the individuals, businesses, and corporations which use the word HAMBURGER to get consumers to buy what they call hamburgers, but are really dead cow flesh sandwiches. They do so by indirectly saying that the dead animal flesh is a meat which is or contains HAM. That is a false statement. Ham is more expensive than beef because it is made from a cut of a dead pigs’s leg, processed, and preserved by adding salt and other spices. Ham is made around the world including regional specialties such as Westphalian ham, Spanish jamón, Italian Prosciutto, and Smithfield ham in the US. The curing process takes from 9–months to a year.
JUDGE
Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor. We will now hear the defense attorney.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Your honor and members of the jury, the facts you just stated make it clear that the word HAM does not belong in the word HAMBURGER. Hamburgers should be called beefburgers or meatburgers, not HAMBURGERS.
JUDGE
How do you clients plea?
My clients plea "nolo contendere",
and apologize to everyone for having used the word HAMBURGER.
NARRATOR
Welcome to Word Court, where words go on trial.
SECRETARY
Today, we will hear oral arguments in case number 52-67-42, Consumers v Commercial Users of the word HAMBURGER.
JUDGE WORDY
Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, please state your case.
PROSECUTOR
Your honor and members of the jury. This class action lawsuit is against the individuals, businesses, and corporations which use the word HAMBURGER to get consumers to buy what they call hamburgers, but are really dead cow flesh sandwiches. They do so by indirectly saying that the dead animal flesh is a meat which is or contains HAM. That is a false statement. Ham is more expensive than beef because it is made from a cut of a dead pigs’s leg, processed, and preserved by adding salt and other spices. Ham is made around the world including regional specialties such as Westphalian ham, Spanish jamón, Italian Prosciutto, and Smithfield ham in the US. The curing process takes from 9–months to a year.
JUDGE
Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor. We will now hear the defense attorney.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Your honor and members of the jury, the facts you just stated make it clear that the word HAM does not belong in the word HAMBURGER. Hamburgers should be called beefburgers or meatburgers, not HAMBURGERS.
JUDGE
How do you clients plea?
My clients plea "nolo contendere",
and apologize to everyone for having used the word HAMBURGER.
by but for April 20, 2019
A or the, place called NOWHERE exists not.”
“Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor. Mr. Defense Attorney, please state your case.”
“Your honor, though a place called NOWHERE does not exist; the word NOWHERE offends no one, and society needs the word NOWHERE. Also, the word NOWHERE deserves to continue being used because it lets people designate the only NONPLACE, and it lets people appreciate more places that exist.”
“Hum. Good point Mr. Defense Attorney. Can you please give this court some examples of how people use the word NOWHERE?
“I can your honor. People use it in expressions such as, "Going NOWHERE", and, "Going NOWHERE fast", or when asked, "Where are you going?” they might reply, "NOWHERE”. The word NOWHERE also counterbalances the word SOMEWHERE—which is a word related to the words NON-VIOLENT, NON-SMOKER, NON-PERSON and approximately 200-words which start with the prefix NON, followed by a dash."
“Mr. Jury Foreman, does the jury have any comment on the word NOWHERE?
“No, it does not, Your Honor.”
“Starting today, Word Court will be accepting suggestions from the public on the use of the word NOWHERE, and will declare a verdict on its use 90-days from today. Case closed.”
Judge U.R. Wordy hits the gavel once.
“Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor. Mr. Defense Attorney, please state your case.”
“Your honor, though a place called NOWHERE does not exist; the word NOWHERE offends no one, and society needs the word NOWHERE. Also, the word NOWHERE deserves to continue being used because it lets people designate the only NONPLACE, and it lets people appreciate more places that exist.”
“Hum. Good point Mr. Defense Attorney. Can you please give this court some examples of how people use the word NOWHERE?
“I can your honor. People use it in expressions such as, "Going NOWHERE", and, "Going NOWHERE fast", or when asked, "Where are you going?” they might reply, "NOWHERE”. The word NOWHERE also counterbalances the word SOMEWHERE—which is a word related to the words NON-VIOLENT, NON-SMOKER, NON-PERSON and approximately 200-words which start with the prefix NON, followed by a dash."
“Mr. Jury Foreman, does the jury have any comment on the word NOWHERE?
“No, it does not, Your Honor.”
“Starting today, Word Court will be accepting suggestions from the public on the use of the word NOWHERE, and will declare a verdict on its use 90-days from today. Case closed.”
Judge U.R. Wordy hits the gavel once.
by but for March 21, 2020
by but for March 21, 2020