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See also Toilet Talk and Spag-speak

Crapper Chat is the name given to the dialect of British English spoken by the Chav subculture.

While the history of the dialect is sketchy at best, it's safe to say that as the chav sub-culture grew out of the slums and council estates of Britain, Crapper Chat stumbled drunkenly along with it. Initially, Crapper Chat was spoken alongside proper received-pronunciation English, but after time, Crapper Chat became the mother-tongue for most teenagers on the British Isles.

Over the years, data shows a correlation between IQ scores and Crapper Chat: as the average IQ for the 10-20 years age-group plummets, Crapper Chat has increased in usage. It could also be said that, as the average IQ score drops, Crapper Chat has adapted and become more degenerate in form and pronunciation.

Crapper Chat's main differences with R.P. English include an unjustifiable slurring of every word (although this could be down to the fact that most chavs are alcoholics), Ns pronounced as Ls, pluralising almost every word, saturating every clause in obscenities and so on.

Crapper Chat in no way adheres to standard English grammar either. Structures such as Subject-Verb-Preposition-Object are often changed to Verb-Object, for example: "I went to the park" becomes "Went park". Chavs have trouble with more complicated grammatical structures such as the future tense and conditional tense, occasionally stripping clauses down to the bare minimum of information required for understanding, but more-often-than-not, they are incomprehensible by anyone, even other chavs.

Crapper Chat lacks any solid conjugation rules. 'He has' becomes 'He 'ave', 'I am' becomes 'I be' and so on. What causes such a disgusting bastardisation of the English language is unknown, but it is most likely the fact that most chavs can't think of the subject then conjugate the verb correctly in quick succession, unlike people with higher IQs. Apostrophes are unheard of in Crapper Chat, partially because most chavs can't write for their (worthless) lives, but also because they sub-consciously deem it an unnecessary piece of punctuation, along with everything else. The chances of finding an apostrophe in written Crapper Chat are lower than the chances of Richard Dawkins becoming a devout Christian; it's not happening any time soon, and at the rate Crapper Chat's deteriorating, never. Showing a piece of written Crapper Chat to an English grammar purist such as Lynnr Truss is a bad idea; she'd have a heart attack, or her 'inner stickler' would commit suicide.

And, of course, Crapper Chat makes heavy use of words which, in standard English, would make no sense at all. Words such as 'Innit' and 'Blad'. 'Innit', being a corruption of 'Is it not', makes some sense when spread randomly throughout Crapper Chat sentences. On the other hand, 'Blad' which is apparently a corruption of Blood, when sprinkled liberally in sentences, makes next to no sense. Experienced Crapper chat speakers' brains automatically filter words like this out so as not to put more strain on their abnormally small brains.

While Crapper Chat is almost unlearnable by anyone who's not been brought up in a council flat/house/estate, elements of Crapper Chat do rub off on people exposed to Crapper Chat-speakers. Elements such as the slur, ommisions of Ts and, like, liberally throwing, like ,the word Like where ever they feel like... like.

Remember, Crapper Chat is the sign of a dull mind, and in some cases, no mind. If you speak Crapper Chat and want to kick the habit and learn proper R.P. English, simply pay attention in your English classes instead of skiving off for a fag. Alternatively, talk to someone from Oxford, Cambridge or Londond (not a cockney though.)
(After a 'conversation' with a chav)
"What'd he say?"
"Beats me, he's talking in Crapper Chat."

"OHMAHFUCKINGODZ, Laak, Ah saw dis gah, right, and'e was all laak FUCKOV MAYN an' ah waz laak YO FUCKOVV, INITZ"
"Sir, I can't understand one word out your mouth; I only speak English, not Crapper Chat."

R.P. English: "Hello there, good sir. How is life treating you?"
Crapper chat: "Yoo blad, ya mintad, fag?"

R.P. English: "Could I borrow your lighter, old bean?"
Crapper chat: "Oi mate, gizzus fuckin' a light?"

R.P. English: "Sir, please stop pushing me or I may be forced to retaliate."
Crapper chat: "WHA-THE FUCK, DICK'ED? Ya bes' stop dat shit now, or ah'll fuckin' bang ya out."

R.P. English: "Sir, you seem to be mistaken."
Crapper chat: "Wha-tha fuck-ya chattin' bilend, innit?"
Hill-Billy: "Ah' you some kinda moron?"
by Shatty Fatmas October 02, 2007
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