Poop Hop

The terribly embarrassing practice we've all done before, when, after pooping and realizing there is no toilet paper, you hop around out of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles, to the closet or nearest bathroom with toilet paper. Usually done with knees slightly bent so as to prevent your buttcheeks from closing and allowing the filth around your anus to smear to the buttcrack area. This is perhaps the most vulnerable state you'll ever be in, completely subject to the whims and ridicule of anybody that catches you doing it.

After the burrito I ate ended up violently evacuating out of my ass and into the toilet, I glanced over in horror to learn that there is no toilet paper left in the bathroom. Begrugingly, and believing nobody else to be awake at this hour, I decided to Poop Hop my way out of the bathroom, through the kitchen, and into the garage where a bale of toilet paper rolls lay. Having retrieved some without anybody seeing me and with minimum smearage, I began the return trip. I poop hopped all the way to the bathroom door, only to find my father-in-law inside brushing his teeth. Our eyes met, my pants around my ankles and my penis recoiling. We never made eye contact again.

by Honorable Justice Scalia April 23, 2015

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