platypus

n. Incredibly odd animal with ludicrously improbable physical, behavioural and emotional characteristics unseen outside Hollywood. Thought by habitually beer-dozzled Australian scientists to be a cross between a platypus and another platypus. Aborigines, who worshipped the platypi as very peculiar crippled and mentally handicapped gods imbued with irreplaceable mystical powers and the souls of dead aboriginal heroes, were reluctant to kill and eat the strange creatures unless they were hungry. After every edible part of the delicious gods were consumed all of the remaining bits, some of which were rather nasty and in fact poisonous, were employed to create everything a stone-age people could possibly need … assuming they were not interested in leaving the stone age.

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Dear God Bruce! What in rotting wombat guts is that smeared on your wellies? It smells like vegamite gone septic.

No worries mate. It’s platypus bile. The aborigines use it to waterproof their ocean-going rafts.

Perhaps that’s why they never got off this bleeding swelter bog of a continent.

by gnostic3 December 21, 2025

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Claw the platypus's nail and shove it up the ass

you've just got out of school and you are ready to pump up the summer vibe ie: fortnight, you're ready to rock n roll and claw the platypus's nail and shove it up the ass. Really hyped about something.

Teacher: Alright kids, have fun in your summer
Kid to friend: I'm ready to claw the platypus's nail and shove it up the ass.

by lovepenguinsandlife February 22, 2019

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