Manchester United's non-goalkeeper / goalletter. Signed by the notorious idiot Erik
ten Haram for 50M quid after kicking club legend David de Gea out of the club, it has since become apparent that Onana had been cosplaying as a footballer all this
time. His hands are made of poppadom and he is often called
Dracula because he too is allergic to crosses. He is the type of goalkeeper that strikes confidence into the hearts of the opposition.