The real Jon Stewart's definitions

Congress

Do-Nothing F@#cktards who couldn't solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first.

"95% of Americans want an assault weapons ban yet all Congress wants to do is kick us in the nuts, have gay sex in airport bathrooms, and vote themselves pay raises.

by The Real Jon Stewart April 30, 2013

general pertraeus

It has been said that he can turn water into... bottled water.

To be used as above when discussing General Pertraeus in any situation.

by The real Jon Stewart September 30, 2007