2 definitions by Malcom McCroat

The act of crying and wanking (masturbation)at the same time.
This term comes from 'Ye Olde English' originating from the reign of King Henry VIII and his desperation in not being able to produce a male heir to carry on the Tudor dynasty. It was discovered by a lowly servant who stumbled upon the King in floods of tears and covered in copious amounts of semen. This information was a state secret until 2007 when it was released under Freedom of Information Act.
'Last night I watched Hugh Grant in Love Actually it was a performance of a lifetime it touched me in so many ways I just had to have a crank'
'Every since I heard my Mum and Dad had died in a horrible dolphin accident I've had to crank myself to sleep every night'
'Late at night after his girlfriend had gone to sleep Steven Peters Matthews would slowly crank over her delicate jawline'

Mohinder: Hey guys do you all wanna go to the beach and catch some waves and then afterwards we can go to Chad's house and have communal crank'
Bruce: That sounds totally crazy sick Mohinder I'll give Chuck a ring he loves cranking'

'Man I just watched Schindler's List, it was like totally sad but that little girl in the red coat was so hot i just had to have a crank'.

'The other day I was having a glorious wank in the woods when I saw a cute bunny rabbit get brutally mutilated by a hedgehog it turned my once in a lifetime wanking experience into a mournful cranking session'
by Malcom McCroat February 13, 2009
A male dildo used primarily on the japeye (visible part of the male urethra) and enjoyed by 87% of the male population (COSMO Poll: March 2007 Japildo Craze Sweeps Nation). A japildo can be described as a thin streamlined object to be used for the purpose of ecstactic pleasuring of the inside of the penis by a rapid relentless thrusting motion to achieve ultimate sexual climax without your girlfriend ever needing to know! ;)
The history of the japildo goes back to the rule of Henry VIII. Frustration at the lack of a male heir to carry on the dynasty left Henry disappointed and aroused so he sent envoys to the court of King Francis I of France. A committee was to decide the fate of Henry's massive throbbing erection. The decision was final, a new instrument was to be invented, the holy right honourable japildo ordained on papal order by Pope Clement VII. This sexual revolution solved the deep malaise infecting Henry's heart and mind instead of beheading his wives the King would spend many joyous days furiously thrusting his holy japildo deep into his defiant throb-on and the Kingdom of England went through a golden age of prosperity and economic development. The japildo has been lost to the world due to the ravages of time and the sexual desires of history's greatest leaders. It was last seen pleasuring the japeye of Akbar the Great Emperor of the Mughal Court of Hindustan but has since vanished.
Chuck: Hey Chad do you think I can get this barbed wire all the way down my jap's eye??
Chad: Like totally dude I've seen my dad do it with my moms dildo it looks freaking awesome!
Mohinder: Thats a sick idea! Lets give Corey a ring and propose a lads night in japildo style!!!

A kitten used a mitten as a japildo on a cold blustery winters day.

Brad: Hey you heard that Carl Thomas Peters Jackson broke up with his girlfriend and now he spends all day violently cranking and using his brand new throbbing golden japildo?
Jesse: Freaking awesome dude!

Got women troubles? Tired of their whining and incessant nagging? Well look no further we have the answer for you! The Japildo 3000 comes as standard with 27 settings, adjustable 1-24 inch shaft, expanding girth to fit all your lonesome sexual needs, intense vibration, thrusting capacity with speeds upto 700mph. No need to buy them breakfast just batteries!
by Malcom McCroat December 6, 2009