Gloucestershire Ringtoss

The process by which, over the course of several years, a distinguished gentleman collects a substantial amount of knobcheese and forms it into a disc weighing several pounds. This must then be entered as the rolling cheese in the Gloucestershire cheese rolling competition, which is particularly difficult considering that it has been made by the same woman since 1988. To overcome this, one may either stealthily switch the cow-cheese with the man-cheese at any point in the process or convince the woman by sob story that the cheese was made by your dying mother who only ever wanted to see it rolled downhill or something, preferably using a starved puppy as a visual aid. Unbeknownst to anyone involved, however, one will have carved a hole in the cheese just wider than the diameter of your dick, hidden under the paper ribbons that wrap it. This is because you will, at the point it is thrown down hill, burst out from the crowds at the bottom and attempt to catch it on your dick, which should burst through the ribbons like a triumphant Olympic athlete, before you are then crushed by the waves of tumbling shire-folk.

‘A great race this year in which everyone died and finally someone got his dick out’ – The Gloucester Citizen

‘The Gloucestershire Ringtoss has finally been completed. The process has begun. Humankind’s dusk approacheth.’ – Mysterious man in cloak from The Royal Society of Go Away

by 535 February 21, 2012

Southampton Sidesaddle

The specific Birmingham Saddleshank wherein the target of a window is reduced to the target of an awaiting anus in a window.

Steve: Hold on, Dave, I’ve just gotta wind the window down, lean my arse out of it and take a dump, I don’t think we’ll be off the Birmingham ringroad before I have to open the brown blast-doors.

Dave: Go for it.

Steve: Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.

Dave: Oh... my... cuntfucking... God...

...

Screech of a Mighty Hawk: SOUTHAMPTON SIDESADDLE

by 535 October 09, 2012

Dick Tamping

The bizarre act seen in many porn films whereby a distinguished gentleman or gracious lady with strap-on, grips the base of the phallus and lightly taps it upon the meaty buttock-flesh of a partner presenting themselves by resting on the knees and hands (or elbows (...or face)). The most likely explanation for this phenomenon was offered by Professor Archibald Knobblyknackers of Christ College, Oxford, who theorised that the action was originally designed to test the hollowness of the awaiting bung-hole after the disastrous attempt by a disoriented Ron Jeremy to sodomise a helpless-yet-impenetrable Venus De Milo prop, which resulted in an imploded bellend and the brief resurrection of Michelangelo Batio for vengeance, who was given licence to murder twelve pigeons after a hazardous filing error and accidental double-lifing on account of the fact he wasn’t dead in the first place. Thus, dick tamping was subsequently invented as a safety precaution to ensure adequate space for a ram-passage, or to check for cockroaches or something.

‘Always precede any acts of quadrapedal intercourse with thorough dick tamping. If you are not sure whether it is safe to proceed, do not risk entry under any circumstances and contact your appointed fire official, where the offending buttocks will be taken away to be incinerated’ – the Porn Safety Handbook

by 535 October 09, 2012