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1.
A fish, often tinned and doused in lashings of tomato sauce.

In human form: a pilchard is a no good, manipulating git who slimes into your life without warning, often in an underhand and devious manner. The pilchard, or pilch, (if you will) will take you for all you are worth, sucking you dry of emotion, money and soul. They have a distinctive look (like Eddie Windass off Coronation Street) but this may be overlooked due to their uncanny ability to fit in and mingle with the everyday folk and ultimately defecate on the lives of all they come into contact with.
That Phil is such a pilchard, he lived off me for a year and even got his mum to re-mortgage her house so he could spend it on Richmond Superkings and Joop. Next time I see him I'm going to marinate him in tomato sauce!
by loufoo April 10, 2011
 
2.
Idiot, fool, incompetent. A general all-purpose name to call people. Good when you are losing an argument, it can even combat mother-calling.
Guy 1 "Yeah but your mum's a slag"
Guy 2 "Shut it you PILCHARD"
by hypnoticme February 19, 2005
 
3.
A dumbass with redeeming qualities.

A pilchard is actually a fish: Any of various small marine fishes related to the herrings, especially a commercially important edible species, Sardina pilchardus, of European waters.

The distinction here is that a pilchard is quite a stupid, inconsequential fish, but it is edible, so it has redeeming qualities.
You're quite the pilchard today aren't you?
by The Count of GQ January 16, 2008
 
4.
A word invented by Sarah Collins, when she grew tired of calling idiotic people 'Pillocks' and realised that Pilchard had the same effect.
Jamin you are such a Pilchard!!
by Julie Andrews February 20, 2005