The Savior of Mankind, who died on the cross for our sins... AFTER he had spun a saga so great that it would become the greatest legend ever told.

Jesus was born Jesse Howard Hayes on October 24th, 1968, in the small town of Gas City, Indiana, near the I69 Speedway. At a young age he discovered he had powers far beyond those of mortal men, in a schoolyard scrap with his arch enemy at the time, Little Willy Crudder. Crudder was vaporized after a short scuffle, and Jesse was sent to live with his Aunt Martha and Uncle Jonathan Kent on their farm. After several years there in obscurity, his uncle has a heart attack, and Jesse hears a psychic call telling him to travel to the north, far beyond the arctic circle to discover his origins. He finds a giant iceberg and a crystal, and it builds a Fortress of Solitude for him where he gets a message from his father, who happens to be the god of the Christians (no, not Tony Alamo).

The Christian god, whose name is not known because speaking it would bind his power to the speaker, tells Jesse that he needs to travel through time to stop the Romans from continuing their lifestyle of awesome orgies and wine tasting. Jesse says he will do it, and changes his name to Jesus before he steps into the time warp. Jesus travels back to the year 2 BC, appearing naked in a deserted alley. His first encounter with the ancient people was shocking to him. Near a tavern, he entered wearing absolutely nothing, his muscles rippling with untold power. He could understand their speech, but the Romans didn’t seem to think he should be allowed to enter their tavern naked. The closest Roman who was smoking a cigar, burned the head of the cigar on Jesus’s left pectoral muscle. Without flinching, Jesus bent the man’s hand back just as another Roman broke a pool cue over Jesus’s head. Jesus grabbed the other man and threw him across the room, and made the first Roman give his clothes to Jesus. Jesus left the tavern with the keys to the first Roman’s horse.

Jesus formed an alliance of twelve warriors, ready to take on the threat of the Roman army. He was chased by the evil Roman general, Spartacus, across the Rubicon, and was finally forced into battle in 1 BC, before the banks of what is today called the Po River, just north of the town of Ferrara. Ferrara was later named after Jesus’s number one warrior who fell that day. As the day dawned, Spartacus and his evil army had assembled for battle, against Jesus and his twelve Servus Fati (Servants of Fate). The Servants of Fate called forth a phantom battalion to fight for Jesus, many dead warriors that had forsaken their oaths to fight against the Dark Lord in ages past. Their new allegiance to Jesus would break the curse of undying that held them to a miserable unlife, forever doomed to walk the Earth until their oaths could be fulfilled. Jesus sent up a war cry that shook the heavens, and battle was joined. Spartacus unleashed his elite Cobra Warriors, trained in the pits of hell in hand to hand combat and desert survival, and at first it seemed the phantom warriors would be overcome by the Cobra army.

Spartacus made his way to the front of the battle, where fighting was thickest, and struck down many of the Servants of Fate. First he became locked in mortal combat with Ferrari, and slew him after a prolonged struggle. Shocked by losing their mightiest warrior, the three closest Servants of Fate, Moses, Abraham, and Mike Ditka charged Spartacus, and were all slain on the spot. Far to the left flank, Jesus felt the losses at the instant they happened. Channeling the souls of his dearest fallen friends, he summoned a mighty unicorn, and mounted atop it, crying “Elendil!”

Spartacus, hearing the cry and seeing the Servants of Fate flock to the mighty warrior atop the unicorn, took his elite cadre of Cobra warriors and charged. Like a mighty wave crashing against a solid cliff, he was at first thrown back, but the power of Spartacus’s One Ring was too great. He charged again and again, breaking the line of phantom warriors who opposed him, tossing them aside in scores by the swings of his mighty weapon, Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld. Jesus then called out his name, shouting "Spartacus! Spartacus!" Knowing full well the rules of the demon code and having to answer a challenge for single combat, Spartacus charged Jesus intent on slaying the man-god. Jesus called on his father god to give him a blade, and it appeared in his hand, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. Sparks flew as each warrior struck at the other like some crazy anime flick. Finally Jesus landed a mortal strike, sundering Spartacus’s arm from his body. The evil general’s flesh burned black with truth as the purity of Jesus’s blade struck him. He fell, and a great chasm opened up and swallowed many Cobra warriors.

The battle was over, and the remaining Servants of Fate, Gandalf, Pippin, Judas, Mary, Voltron, Arthur, Hitler, and Chuck Norris were charged with clearing the field. They marched on Rome in 0 BC, and the cult of Christianity was created to worship the man-god, Jesus “Hell’s bane” Christ (he is called Jesus H. Christ to this day).

Soon after Jesus broke the power of Spartacus, the Roman civilization crumbled, and Jesus disappeared. No one knows where this truly epic warrior went. Some say heaven, some say hell to continue the battle, and some say another universe. We are lucky to have had him on our side, however, and the remnants of the Battle for the Po River in 1 BC can be seen today.

At least one of his Servants of Fate live still to this day, and the mystery and epicness of Jesus gives meaning to human life, for his struggle signified the essence of the human spirit: Never give up, and never surrender.
Example: Jesus is, in a word, epic. In two words... freakin' epic.
by Pr0Gamerz-Predator:Ahnold!!1! October 01, 2008
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Man who was nailed to a plank for saying how nice it would be if everyone was nice to each other. Had his message misinterpreted by millions who now think it is their job to persecute certain groups of people(christians).
Jesus:be nice to others.
by Jonjo January 15, 2005
The dude who mows my lawn.
Jesus, you missed a spot.
by Brian-Peppers June 05, 2005
A pretty cool guy whose reputation has been run down by his horrible fan-club.

Used by the said fan-club as an excuse to do whatever they decide is “right.”
Dude: “Hey! What the hell are you doing to my car???”
Other dude: “Jesus’ will.”
by Shard February 28, 2005
The light of the world, the one who came and died on the cross to forgive us of all of our sins. There is a religion based on that, called Christianity.
Jesus is the light of the world. Read John 3:16.
by C.C. December 18, 2004
Jesus lived a really long time ago in the Holy Land. He taught a lot of people to be nice to each other. He told stories, called parables, to help people understand about heaven and how they should live. A bunch of guys called Pharisees thought that he was dissing God by calling himself God's son (they called it blasphemy), so they plotted to kill him. One of Jesus' closest friends helped the Roman soldiers capture Jesus for about 12 bucks. The Romans were fair about it, though, and gave the people of Rome the choice to free either Jesus, or a guy who was thrown in jail for murder; they chose to free the murderer.

Jesus was publicly humiliated in front of loads of people, and was nailed to a cross. Even when all this had happened, he still asked God to forgive everybody for treating him like a criminal.

Jesus was one of the most influential men in history. Our modern day calendar is based on his birth. About 30% of the world's population hail Jesus as God. They say he performed many miracles and even came back from the dead. The Christian religion states that Jesus died for the forgiveness of sins, and that even if you are a terrible person in this world, as long as you believe in him as Christ, you will be forgiven and will go to heaven.

Even if you don't believe Jesus is the Messiah, you've got to admit, he was a pretty cool guy and inspired millions of people to be nicer.
Jesus says, "Love that guy that trash-canned you back in 9th grade
by Pastor Bob May 05, 2005
The guy who came and died on the cross to pay the debt of my sins.

In the court...
Judge: Danapal, you have a debt.
Danapal: Yes,I am sorry, it won't happen again.

Jesus walks in and hands the judge the money I owe.

Danapal: Thank you Jesus!
by Danapal July 22, 2005
1. Jesus is a Hebrew name, which means "the Lord saves."

2. He is believed to be the "Messiah"(or Ha-Mashia) that had been foretold and written by the prophets in astounding accuracy from birth to death and resurrection on scrolls thousands of years before it came to pass. Jews do not believe Jesus as the Messiah and are still waiting for the Messiah to come. Three major books that Jews and Christians read are the books of the Law (Torah), the Prophets (Nevi'im), and the Writings (Kethuvim). The two groups disagree because Jews are waiting for a ruler to come and be enthroned as a ruler forever according to II Samuel 7:16: "Your house and your kingdom will endure forever." It was nearly unimaginable for anyone at that time to even think a Messiah would die in a death sentence shamefully stripped naked amongst the criminals. It's, however, written in Isiah: "he was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter... he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors."

3. Jesus Christ is NOT the first and the last name. Christ means the "Anointed One" - Aramaic word for Messiah. Jesus is the Christ, the Anointed One. Long ago, Israel had three offices that were anointed. They were the priests, prophets, and the kings. Therefore, Christ is the ultimate Anointed One who who's had all three functions: 1) Priest= way to God 2) Prophet= way from God 3) King= ruler with all authority both in heaven and earth.
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, ou will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." Romans 10:9-10
by PMC October 13, 2005
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