When dealing with a lying-ass motherfucker, the Lying-ass Motherfucker Coefficient (LAMC)is the multiplier (generally around .
39) added to any numbers (such as income, number of recent sexual relations, cost of automobile, amount of
alcohol consumed, length of
prison sentence, etc) quoted by said lying-ass motherfucker, with the intent of approximating a truer estimate of the referenced events.
The actual value of the LAMC fluctuates depending on the relative purity of the lying-ass motherfucker in question and must be adjusted accordingly. A LAMC of .8 or .9 is only appropriate for a "part-
time" or a "fly-by-night" lying-ass motherfucker, while a
true, pathological lying-ass motherfucker often necessitates a .1 or even a .
05!
Use a known quantity to assign a LAMC value to the lying-ass motherfuckers in your life. If, for instance, a lying ass motherfucker at your
work claims he made a cool $120 in tips over the course of his
shift when you spotted him pocketing a paltry $
45, you can safely place his LAMC at .375, give or take a few hundredths.
Once a LAMC is established, it tends to remain fairly constant, varying only in cases of extreme mental excitement, anguish, or upheaval. Lying-ass motherfuckers who are manic drunks, for example, often require a lower LAMC value when they are on the sauce.
Tears in the beer, however, can indicate that a higher value should be used ("in vino veritas" rings
true, for depressive
drunk lying-ass motherfuckers at least).
A final note: the LAMC only applies to numbers which the lying-ass motherfucker has motive to inflate (like the number of people it took to beat the shit out of him last night downtown). For instances where a lower number would seem "
cooler" (such as the number of statuatory rape charges on his permanent record) a Reverse Lying-ass Motherfucker Coefficient (RLAMC) must be employed. The RLAMC
will be covered in a
later article.
Andrew: Man,
Jacob was wasted when I came in last night! He said he drank a whole twelve pack when he was out with Tina!
Joe: Man, fuck that noise. You know that
Jacob'
s Lying-ass Motherfucker Coefficient is a good .25 easy. He drank three beers, cried for a while, got Tina's voicemail, got ten other girls' voicemails, watched TV, and then passed out on the couch, which is where you found him when you came in.
Andrew: You're right, man. Dude's a lying-ass motherfucker. I don't know what I was thinking.
