sir bartholomew mctavish's definitions

spoforife

Spoforife. Spoon. Fork. Knife. 'nuff said.

A Couple on a plane, the man has the window seat.
Kanye: Hey, Estelle, I'm feeling bonkers. Do you got a spoon, fork or a knife? I think it's called a spoforife.
Estelle: Can you be quiet for just one shitting minute?
Kanye: Hey we just touched down in London town.
Estelle: For Christ's sake, quit it with the fucking song or I'll kick you in the fucking balls again you ass hole.
Kayne: Hey look, it's the press. They don't fuck wit me.
Estelle: (Sighs.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 21, 2008

captain jirk

Any person, male or female, in a film, book, game, stageplay etc that is acting in a pretentious, less than eroic manner, who ruins completely an otherwise good story.

Examples of a captain jirk are...

David from Shaun of the Dead
The Dolmen from Star Trek TOS Episode 'Elaan of Troyus'
Cypher from The Matrix
The Dursley's from Harry Potter series of books and films
Caligula from real life history and the film 'The Robe'
Brad from Superman 3
Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark

Etc.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish August 23, 2009

crackmail

crackmail is what it is called when a woman, uses her crack to shut a moaning husband, boyfriend up when he finds out something she didn't want known.

Steve: So, what happened when you confronted your missus about doing that hardcore porno behind your back, when she was supposed to be going to see her ill Mother?
Dave: I got crackmailed by the Bitch.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 22, 2008

Dysonbabe

A girl or woman who is such a filth monger, or has not had it in ages, appears to just hoover a man's member into her without much effort.Usually a bit of a slack annie down there as it goes in like a dentist's mirror. Without touching the sides.

Dysonbabes are numbered in the many in Britain alone. Such as many, many people who I can't be bothered to name.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 1, 2008

00Gay

Bond of the 21st century, according to a completely non-gay Daniel Craig loves willy. No longer is it safe to watch TV without a cast of bum diggers suddenly becoming the centre of attention. Doctor Who has become Doctor 'Up the Poo'. Torchwood is 'were there any straight people in this week?'
Well Double 0 Gay is now suffering. Gaymes Bond or James Bummed is the spy hero of the new century.

00Gay's films may include...

Man With the Golden Knob
The Living Gaylights
Gold Wanger
Dr No(b)
Homos Are Forever
The Cock Is Not Enough
Never Say Gay
Moonie Raper
For Your Balls Only
Liscence to Bum
You Only Fuck Men Twice

'Q' would supply weapon-like dildos and his name would actually be short for 'Queer'. 'M' would still be Judy Dench but 'M' would stand for she was a 'Man'

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish April 3, 2008

nad the impale-her

The real name of a Sex Vampire who bummed a load of Carpathians in Moldavia around the 1st century before Winona Ryder chucks herself in the river for being a klepto. Used to impale people on his four foot dick which he also fought with.

Nad the Impale-Her pornstar name in spoof movie of 'Barb's Stoked U Know's Spankula' from 1993, pisstake of cool Keanu flick.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 11, 2008

cuntstard

1. A person who is a bastard and a cunt. Or a mixture of both.

2. Misspelt custard.

ELSIE: Any of you guys reckon that new guy at works a cuntstard?
MILLIE: Yeah, who is he?
ELSIE: My husband, oh and you're fired bitch.


FRANK: Hey did you try Lisa's cuntstard?
DEREK: That's my wife, you fuck! (Hits him.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 19, 2008