Dick Tamping

The bizarre act seen in many porn films whereby a distinguished gentleman or gracious lady with strap-on, grips the base of the phallus and lightly taps it upon the meaty buttock-flesh of a partner presenting themselves by resting on the knees and hands (or elbows (...or face)). The most likely explanation for this phenomenon was offered by Professor Archibald Knobblyknackers of Christ College, Oxford, who theorised that the action was originally designed to test the hollowness of the awaiting bung-hole after the disastrous attempt by a disoriented Ron Jeremy to sodomise a helpless-yet-impenetrable Venus De Milo prop, which resulted in an imploded bellend and the brief resurrection of Michelangelo Batio for vengeance, who was given licence to murder twelve pigeons after a hazardous filing error and accidental double-lifing on account of the fact he wasn’t dead in the first place. Thus, dick tamping was subsequently invented as a safety precaution to ensure adequate space for a ram-passage, or to check for cockroaches or something.

‘Always precede any acts of quadrapedal intercourse with thorough dick tamping. If you are not sure whether it is safe to proceed, do not risk entry under any circumstances and contact your appointed fire official, where the offending buttocks will be taken away to be incinerated’ – the Porn Safety Handbook

by 535 October 9, 2012

DickTarping

The art of covering a rule breakers automobile in large erect or flaccid penises. DickTarping is a community response to an individual failing to adhere to the simple rule of covering or removing your auto from the burn. It typically consist of one or more drunken burners with paint markers and a well placed sense of participation/immediacy and civic responsibility. Dicktarpers should be rejoiced and admired for there tireless and unsung efforts to keep the community ugly auto free.

"Why are there dicks all over my car" - Unruly participant
"Because you're a dick" - Smiling drunken Dicktarper
"Oh" - Sad participant
"Dicktarping for life" - laughing content drunken Dicktarper

by Askewd Jackassery January 6, 2012