Dream Technologies

The burgeoning market of gadgets and apps that promise to decode, record, or even influence your dreams, usually failing at all three. This includes headbands that flash lights during REM sleep to "lucid dream" (but just give you a headache), journals that claim to spot patterns (but just prove you dream about falling a lot), and the classic "dream catcher," a web-based filter that catches bad dreams with about the same effectiveness as a colander catches water. The ultimate dream technology would be a DVR for dreams, but so far, we only have blurry sketches drawn upon waking.

Dream Technologies Example: "I bought a dream technology headband that promised to let me control my dreams. I spent all night trying to will myself to dream about flying, but instead, the headband just recorded that I dreamed about being stuck in a meeting about spreadsheet formatting. Progress?"

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Astral Technologies

The tools, real and imagined, designed to help you project your consciousness into the astral plane, ranging from binaural beat YouTube videos to $500 "brain-tuning" headbands that mostly just cause headaches. It also includes the more traditional technologies: dream journals, crystals, and that one friend who's really into yoga and insists they can teach you to "travel astrally" if you just "focus on your third eye" for three hours. The success rate of astral technologies is roughly equivalent to staring at a wall and willing yourself to fly.

Astral Technologies Example: "I bought a 'quantum astral projector' off a shady website. It was just a sleep mask with LEDs that blinked different colors. The astral technology didn't help me leave my body, but it did give me a very realistic dream that I was a disco ball."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Spiritual Technologies

The tools, both ancient and app-based, designed to upgrade your spiritual operating system. This includes everything from Tibetan singing bowls and meditation cushions to $30-a-month apps that guide your breathwork and smart malas that count your mantras for you. The paradox of spiritual technology is that it often requires you to stare at a screen to disconnect from the digital world, and the most advanced piece of spiritual tech remains a simple candle, which has a 100% success rate of not needing a software update.

Spiritual Technologies *Example: "He had the full suite of spiritual technologies: a jade egg for $80, a Bluetooth-enabled incense holder that played 'om' chants, and a meditation cushion made from sustainable hemp. He used them all for approximately 12 minutes before checking Instagram."*

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Divine Technologies

The miraculous tools and methods that deities supposedly use to run the cosmos, or the human-made devices intended to tap into that divine power. On the cosmic side, this includes the prayer-answering switchboard, the karma accounting ledger, and the giant celestial remote control that occasionally changes the channel on your life without warning. On the human side, it's everything from prayer beads and holy water to those "miracle" candles that promise to solve all your problems if you just light them and believe really hard. The user manual for divine technology is notoriously difficult to read.

Divine Technologies Example: "He lit a novena candle, hoping the divine technology would help him get the job. The candle burned beautifully for nine days, and he did not get the job. He concluded the divine tech was either broken or that 'no' was, in fact, the answer to his prayer, which felt like a software glitch."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metaphysical Technologies

The tools and gadgets designed to interact with or measure the non-physical realm, ranging from ancient dowsing rods to modern "quantum resonance" devices that look like they were stolen from a low-budget sci-fi set. This includes pendulums for yes/no questions (accuracy rate: slightly better than a coin flip), EMF meters for ghost hunting (which also detect microwaves), and apps that claim to photograph your aura (they just blur the photo and add colors). The most reliable metaphysical technology remains a strong gut feeling, which requires no batteries and has a 100% chance of being ignored.

Metaphysical Technologies Example: "He spent $300 on a 'quantular' device that promised to communicate with interdimensional beings. After a week, all he'd received was static and a message that seemed to be asking for a Netflix password. The metaphysical technology was either broken or the interdimensional beings were just really bored."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metasocial Technologies

The tools and platforms designed to analyze, manipulate, or optimize not just social interaction, but the analysis of social interaction itself. This includes sentiment analysis algorithms that track how people feel about how other people feel, social media dashboards that measure the engagement of posts about engagement metrics, and focus groups convened to discuss the results of other focus groups. It's technology that has eaten its own tail and is now trying to figure out what the tail tastes like.

Metasocial Technologies Example: "The marketing team used metasocial technologies to analyze the online discourse about their previous ad campaign, which was itself an analysis of consumer trends. They concluded that the public's perception of their brand's perception-management strategy was 'confused.' They then held a meeting to discuss the implications of this finding."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metacognitive Technologies

The apps, journals, and mental tools designed to help you monitor and control your own thought processes, which usually just make you more anxious about how disorganized your thoughts are. This includes meditation apps that remind you to "observe your thoughts without judgment" (judging you when you forget), thought-journaling software that categorizes your cognitive distortions (proving you have way too many), and productivity timers that make you realize you've spent 45 minutes "planning to start." The most advanced metacognitive technology remains a sticky note on your monitor that says "FOCUS," which you will immediately stop seeing.

Metacognitive Technologies Example: "I tried a metacognitive technology that prompted me every hour to ask myself, 'What am I thinking right now?' The answers ranged from 'lunch' to 'why is this app asking me this?' to 'what is the meaning of existence?' I uninstalled it after it caught me thinking about uninstalling it."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026