Who's Kavian? Simply put, a God among men, the future ruler of the world, and a fine pimp that ain't afraid to slap you across the face with his cock.
It is said that when He was born, color was given to the world and two neighboring stars exploded; ushering in the greatest era in human history.
Kavian was a creation of "The Force". When created, he weighed about a stunning 21 lbs (12 lbs was his penis alone). Without parents or guidance, He was raised by a pack of wild wolves, named Alpha-Wolf at age 3, and solved a rubix cube underwater blindfolded at age 3-AND-A-HALF.
His middle name is "Ballsacko-Grande", Swahili for "The-Chosen-One". In 1996, He was named heir to Swaziland's thrown and led them to unknown advancements in medical science and geography.
After his single-handed victory of World War II, Kavian was named "The Jesus" by the Tibetan Monks. His title signified Him as being the one to bring balance to the elements of the world.
Kavian is a man known for his kindness. Back in Nam' He created the "I have a Dream" speech for his boy, Martin Luther King, Jr. He took no credit in creating it. Later, he hunted down the man responsible for MLK's (AKA Big Daddy Martin) assassination and brutally killed the man.
"The-Most-Interesting-Man-In-The-World" relinquished his position to Kavian.
So next time you're down at the lowest point in your life ask yourself this: "What would Kavian do." Either way, you probably wont be able to do what He would do.
"Kavian died five years ago, but Death is to afraid to tell him."
"Kavian's tears cure cancer... to bad he never cries."
"Kavian counted to infinity... twice."
"Kavian is the reason Waldo is hiding."
~New York Times