4 definitions by Sir Scoofsalot
This is the 2nd of the orders of magnitude of douchebaggery in which a person can commit. It is very similar to douchebaggery in the 1st degree; however, this accusation comes with a noticeable difference. In this degree, the accused has now become a repeat offender. The person, from here on referred to as the douche, has been charged and found guilty of 1st-degree douchebaggery by the Court of Public Opinion. Penalties for a guilty conviction on this charge are increasingly stiff, and may include:
-Immediate unfriending on facebook, snapchat, etc.
-A swift kick in the giblets
-Public mockery/ open shame
-Immediate unfriending on facebook, snapchat, etc.
-A swift kick in the giblets
-Public mockery/ open shame
Shrek: "Hey man, remember how I had rescheduled that kayaking trip with my buddies so Jeff could make it since he bailed the last time?"
Scuff: "Of course."
Shrek: "Well, that douche bailed on me again this weekend!"
Scuff: "Word? What was his excuse this time?"
Shrek: "He said he got busy with stuff-n-things."
Scuff: "Dude, that's a load of garbage! He's my friend and all, but this sounds like a definite case of douchebaggery in the 2nd degree!"
Shrek: "I concur, Scuff. Maybe we need to get him checked into some kinda rehab before this gets worse. Anyway, how findeth the Court of Public Opinion, Jeff, on the charge of douchebaggery in the 2nd degree?"
Bystanders: "GUILTY!!!"
Shrek: "Motion carries. Unfriending on social media to be completed by midnight tonight."
Note: The sentencing for this conviction is much more severe due to the enhanced likelihood that Jeff will become an even bigger douchebag in the near future. If unattended, it is likely that he will soon commit a crime of douchebaggery in the 3rd degree; a black hole from which no friendship escapes.
Special Note: It is very rare that the Court of Public Opinion ever finds anyone innocent of a charge that is brought before them. They are a vengeful lot.
Scuff: "Of course."
Shrek: "Well, that douche bailed on me again this weekend!"
Scuff: "Word? What was his excuse this time?"
Shrek: "He said he got busy with stuff-n-things."
Scuff: "Dude, that's a load of garbage! He's my friend and all, but this sounds like a definite case of douchebaggery in the 2nd degree!"
Shrek: "I concur, Scuff. Maybe we need to get him checked into some kinda rehab before this gets worse. Anyway, how findeth the Court of Public Opinion, Jeff, on the charge of douchebaggery in the 2nd degree?"
Bystanders: "GUILTY!!!"
Shrek: "Motion carries. Unfriending on social media to be completed by midnight tonight."
Note: The sentencing for this conviction is much more severe due to the enhanced likelihood that Jeff will become an even bigger douchebag in the near future. If unattended, it is likely that he will soon commit a crime of douchebaggery in the 3rd degree; a black hole from which no friendship escapes.
Special Note: It is very rare that the Court of Public Opinion ever finds anyone innocent of a charge that is brought before them. They are a vengeful lot.
by Sir Scoofsalot February 9, 2015
Noun-when you’re too broke to afford a real glass of champaign, but you still pretend anyway because you got class.
Me: *cracks open a chilled can of Vernor’s ginger ale and pours it into a fancy wine glass*
-“Hey babe! Why don’t you come enjoy this fine glass of champoor with me?”
-“Hey babe! Why don’t you come enjoy this fine glass of champoor with me?”
by Sir Scoofsalot March 16, 2018
This is the highest, and most egregious, of degrees in which a person can commit douchebaggery. Different from douchebaggery in the 1st and 2nd degrees, all innocence has gone out the window with this one. It is the most blatant act of which a person can perform. Typically, one who commits such an act has ridden the slippery slope of douchebaggery all the way to the bottom, and now they rest themselves in the staunchest pool of disdain by their peers. Selfishness, greed, talking loudly in libraries, and snaggled teeth are the trademarks of the 3rd-degree douche. Penalties in this case are most severe, and may include any (or all) of the following:
-2 swift kicks in the giblets; once for being dumb, and once for being ugly
-Pepper spray
-Upper decking
-A rancid fart on the pillow, resulting in;
-Pinkeye
Note: Generally, in cases of 3rd degree douchebaggery, the Court of Public Opinion is actually the one who brings the douche up on charges, not any one individual. For this reason, an accusation in this degree alone is enough evidence for a conviction. DO NOT associate with these offenders, lest ye be accused of douchebaggery in the 2nd degree at a minimum! (This is because you should know better by now that this person is a total doucher!!!!!)
-2 swift kicks in the giblets; once for being dumb, and once for being ugly
-Pepper spray
-Upper decking
-A rancid fart on the pillow, resulting in;
-Pinkeye
Note: Generally, in cases of 3rd degree douchebaggery, the Court of Public Opinion is actually the one who brings the douche up on charges, not any one individual. For this reason, an accusation in this degree alone is enough evidence for a conviction. DO NOT associate with these offenders, lest ye be accused of douchebaggery in the 2nd degree at a minimum! (This is because you should know better by now that this person is a total doucher!!!!!)
*No adequate, all-encompassing, example currently exists for douchebaggery in the 3rd degree. By now, you'll know who they are.
by Sir Scoofsalot February 9, 2015
This is the first, and least offensive, degrees on the scale of douchebaggery in which a person can commit. It's observed by the violator's general ignorance to the fact that he/she has even committed such a crime at all. Usually the offense is innocent enough in nature, and independent of any other incident(s); perhaps, even the only such occasion that the individual has performed. The litmus test for 1st-degree douchebaggery can be performed by noticing if the individual is instantly self-aware of the incident, and if they are quick to apologize for it.
Shrek: "Man, Jeff bailed on me last weekend when we were supposed to go kayaking. He said he had accidently double-booked himself, and that we could re-schedule. That's some serious douchebaggery."
Scuff: "Hmmm. No man, normally Jeff is pretty straight-up about things. I think this is just a simple case of douchebaggery in the 1st degree."
Shrek: "I think you're right. How findeth the Court of Public Opinion, Jeff, on the charge of douchebaggery in the 1st degree?"
Bystanders: "GUILTY!!!"
Shrek: "Motion carries. Sentencing tomorrow at noon."
Note: If the Court of Public Opinion has found the defendant to be guilty of a prior charge of 1st-degree douchebaggery, it may very well be possible that the current charge in question escalates to the next-highest level in magnitude; douchebaggery in the 2nd degree. In addition, the prior conviction also gets elevated to this new, and even more egregious level based on principle alone.
Scuff: "Hmmm. No man, normally Jeff is pretty straight-up about things. I think this is just a simple case of douchebaggery in the 1st degree."
Shrek: "I think you're right. How findeth the Court of Public Opinion, Jeff, on the charge of douchebaggery in the 1st degree?"
Bystanders: "GUILTY!!!"
Shrek: "Motion carries. Sentencing tomorrow at noon."
Note: If the Court of Public Opinion has found the defendant to be guilty of a prior charge of 1st-degree douchebaggery, it may very well be possible that the current charge in question escalates to the next-highest level in magnitude; douchebaggery in the 2nd degree. In addition, the prior conviction also gets elevated to this new, and even more egregious level based on principle alone.
by Sir Scoofsalot February 9, 2015