Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Sludge Cannon

A human being who, often due to an excessively chilli-heavy diet, has not produced a solid stool in years.

Simon, a notable Sludge Cannon, is barred from every public lavatory in the north of England.

"Mummy, does Uncle Simon wear plastic underwear because he's a sludge cannon?"
"No, dear, it's because he's a massive pervert."

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 12, 2016

Sludge Bannon

Very much like a sludge cannon, only with the endless torrent of molten shite pouring forth from the mouth, rather than the anus

The average Sludge Bannon will last six to eight months in a political administration before Donald Trump fires him for not being quite racist enough.

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017

Mortlocking It

Having no concept of time, or the corollary matter of punctuality, whatsoever.

Everyone else was there at 7pm, but I mortlocked it and rolled up at 9.30.

Simon is known for mortlocking it when distracted by well-built Russian sailors.

The baby mortlocked it, so had to be induced.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 1, 2014

Brumgrapes

Haemorrhoids, but in Birmingham.

While Simon’s piles were clearly the size of Birmingham, this did not make them actual Brumgrapes.

Brummie: “Cowin’ ‘ell, me bumgrapes are worse than Aston Villa’s defence.”
Accredited General Practitioner: “Then I fear you may have Brumgrapes.”

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 12, 2025

Did a Clemmo.

Neglected to eat before a heavy drinking session, with devastating consequences.

Chantelle was really looking forward to her reunion at the hairdressers college, but was in a hurry and did a Clemmo. The upshot was that she was in bed by 9pm.

Chad thought the evening would be much cheaper if he did a Clemmo. In the event, he just ended up in police custody.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 15, 2014