Definitions by Kingofbethlehem
The Mule
An outrageously obese hockey player whose ass is so astronomically gigantic that standard hockey equipment manufacturers refuse to acknowledge his existence.
The Mule is a rare breed of beer-league hockey player whose dump truck of an ass requires him to contact CCM headquarters directly to commission custom-built hockey pants. Regular XXL equipment is merely a suggestion, as his enormous backside requires reinforced stitching, industrial-grade materials, and enough fabric to cover a regulation NHL net.
Often mistaken for a Zamboni when skating backward, The Mule is known for taking up three locker room stalls, requiring two teammates to help pull up his hockey pants, and having a gravitational pull strong enough to drag opposing players into the boards.
The Mule is a rare breed of beer-league hockey player whose dump truck of an ass requires him to contact CCM headquarters directly to commission custom-built hockey pants. Regular XXL equipment is merely a suggestion, as his enormous backside requires reinforced stitching, industrial-grade materials, and enough fabric to cover a regulation NHL net.
Often mistaken for a Zamboni when skating backward, The Mule is known for taking up three locker room stalls, requiring two teammates to help pull up his hockey pants, and having a gravitational pull strong enough to drag opposing players into the boards.
“Holy shit, did you see The Mule show up to the rink? CCM had to shut down its entire production line just to manufacture a pair of hockey pants big enough to contain that absolute freight train of an ass.”
The Mule by Kingofbethlehem October 25, 2026
