Ben Devenshire's definitions
This is the 21st century, right? Alexa can deliver our instant gratification faster than our cerebral cortex might prefer, our watch can order cocktails, and a movie, and open the garage door, and yet, we're using antiquated vernacular to explain the simple fact that size, matters...
It's not the size of the wand, it's the wizard who wields it... Size doesn't really matter, does it, because if it does... It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the surf board, that matter, right?... it's how you use it, that matters...
These don't exactly roll off the tongue with that "Siri, You rock!!!" vibe that we all know and love, do they? So, with much anticipated fan-fare, this one is for the ladies, and gentlemen, looking for that rock star, classy, cool vibe that even Siri might high-five you for, when one finds themselves in that awkward pastime of navigating the size matters debate.
New and Improved for 2026, Siri and Alexa both agree, this rolls off the tongue with less twisting:
"It's not the mass, it's the method!" Now, you can say a lot, without saying much at all. ;-)
It's not the size of the wand, it's the wizard who wields it... Size doesn't really matter, does it, because if it does... It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the surf board, that matter, right?... it's how you use it, that matters...
These don't exactly roll off the tongue with that "Siri, You rock!!!" vibe that we all know and love, do they? So, with much anticipated fan-fare, this one is for the ladies, and gentlemen, looking for that rock star, classy, cool vibe that even Siri might high-five you for, when one finds themselves in that awkward pastime of navigating the size matters debate.
New and Improved for 2026, Siri and Alexa both agree, this rolls off the tongue with less twisting:
"It's not the mass, it's the method!" Now, you can say a lot, without saying much at all. ;-)
A man and woman are chatting and people watching when suddenly a well endowed man passes. A silence falls over the two, as their heads turn following the gate of the passer-by. The woman, seeing a wave of insecurity washing over her date, breaks the awkward silence with a reassuring affirmation:
"It's not the mass, it's the method!"
In a moment, what may have taken up the rest of the lunch hour, is now time well spent and all is right as rain with the world once more. Instead of a drawn-out diatribe of phonetic flavor crystals, the two are back enjoying each other's company free from vernacular shrapnel... sometimes, words just get in the way of *communication*.
"It's not the mass, it's the method!"
In a moment, what may have taken up the rest of the lunch hour, is now time well spent and all is right as rain with the world once more. Instead of a drawn-out diatribe of phonetic flavor crystals, the two are back enjoying each other's company free from vernacular shrapnel... sometimes, words just get in the way of *communication*.
by Ben Devenshire January 2, 2026
Get the It's not the mass, it's the method! mug.Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional, Selfish, Passive-aggressive, Abusive, Malicious/Man/Men/Male
This is a gender specific acronym used to describe human males who are generally narcissistic and refuse to perform self-work, either through therapy or psychiatric care, and continually behave inappropriately or are unapologetically abusive to those around them
FINESPAMs aren't really glowing specimens of the human male and are generally equivalent to a slinky. Slinkies aren't really good for anything, but they make you laugh when you push them down a flight of stairs, and a FINESPAM is no different.
If you find a FINESPAM around you who can be described as an oxygen thief, then you can go for the lighting-round add-in of: Alcoholic, if this suits your situation. For continuity:
Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional, Selfish, Passive-aggressive, Abusive, Alcoholic, Malicious/Man/Men/Male
Let us not forget that, usually and more often than not, there are substances at-play with FINESPAMS, and these substances only amplify their behavior with alarming effects.
Therefore, if this situation is a spot-on match for your special someone, please feel free to go for the triple word score add-in of:
Substance Abuser
FINESPAMSA
Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional, Selfish, Passive-aggressive, Abusive, Alcoholic, Malicious/Man/Men/Male, Substance Abuser
Feel free to change it up, given the context specific to your situation. Enjoy!
This is a gender specific acronym used to describe human males who are generally narcissistic and refuse to perform self-work, either through therapy or psychiatric care, and continually behave inappropriately or are unapologetically abusive to those around them
FINESPAMs aren't really glowing specimens of the human male and are generally equivalent to a slinky. Slinkies aren't really good for anything, but they make you laugh when you push them down a flight of stairs, and a FINESPAM is no different.
If you find a FINESPAM around you who can be described as an oxygen thief, then you can go for the lighting-round add-in of: Alcoholic, if this suits your situation. For continuity:
Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional, Selfish, Passive-aggressive, Abusive, Alcoholic, Malicious/Man/Men/Male
Let us not forget that, usually and more often than not, there are substances at-play with FINESPAMS, and these substances only amplify their behavior with alarming effects.
Therefore, if this situation is a spot-on match for your special someone, please feel free to go for the triple word score add-in of:
Substance Abuser
FINESPAMSA
Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional, Selfish, Passive-aggressive, Abusive, Alcoholic, Malicious/Man/Men/Male, Substance Abuser
Feel free to change it up, given the context specific to your situation. Enjoy!
My friend INSERT NAME HERE is really acting like a FINESPAM... He audaciously verbally attacked me for the past several days, without an apology or explanation, and told me I need to "grow-up" when I told him he needed therapy.
by Ben Devenshire January 18, 2025
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