40 pounds of ultimate hotness. Those who are not seksi enough have to settle for playing a less hot instrument like the euphonium or trumpet. Those who are least gifted have to be demoted to the woodwind section, or even the drum line!
It will often cause you back problems, but who cares when you get all of the chicks! (Or guys for those less effeminate female sousa players.)
n00b: "Why is that guy's sousaphone white?"
Me: "Its because nobody likes him. Oh, and because even though he is 30 or so, he cant lift a brass sousa, so he has to carry white trash. He probably was a trumpet player"
Stupid people who dont think: "Isnt that heavy?"
Me: "uh, no, see how seksi I am?"
them: "oh, I forgot!"
Stupid people again: "Why dont they make pads for sousaphones?"
Me: "They do."
other brass: "Why did you pick the sousaphone? its so heavy!"
Me: "You dont choose to play sousaphone, it chooses you. Either that or the director forces you to since nobody wants to until they have."