Top Definition
Nothing to do with the name, but modern English slang for a WOSP. Reputed to be a remnant belonging to a failed branch of evolution, malcolms are usually, but not exclusively, male. Having no social skills, they are inept and uncoordinated. Unconcerned with the sensitivity of others, they fail to appreciate the benefits of personal hygiene and of being honest and truthful, something that makes malcolms a liability in the workplace. In addition they are invariably sycophantic, crawling round the boss at every opportunity in the belief that this is a substitute for ability; they are untrustworthy and will not hesitate to badmouth colleagues if they see a potential advantage. Bullies by temperament and cowards by nature, malcolms will attempt to force others into doing their work but when met with resistance they run to the boss with a complaint supported by lies. Unfortunately malcolms are all too common and spread discord and unpleasantness wherever they appear. It is hoped that the British Government will authorise a malcolm cull in much the same way as they did for badgers, as a malcolm is less use than a badger's arse.
"That malcolm is attempting to browbeat Sheila again."
by AKACroatalin April 07, 2015

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What you can say if an exclamation of disgust, pain or frustration is required, but because of the company in which you find yourself a euphemism is required as you are unable to say “Fucking arsewipe, pig’s dick sucking, cunt-eyed, monkey-fucking, shit eating twat!” It can also be used as a socially acceptable way of calling someone a cunt, e.g. “You complete and utter Malcolm!” You will know exactly what it means, as will your friends it you choose to let them know but no-one else will.
The sort of person you could use the word to describe is, usually, male and one of nature’s evolutionary errors. In the workplace they are a complete waste of space their incompetence exceeded only by their self-delusion regarding their abilities and their self-aggrandising bullshit. They invariably try to claim credit for work others have done and are sycophantic to an unbelievable degree. Cowards and bullies, Malcolms are frequently found in Toxic Workplaces, but until nature redresses the balance and makes them extinct there is nothing to be done about these creatures so FIDO.
“You did what! You complete Malcolm!”
by AKACroatalin September 01, 2016

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Someone who is totally useless, who thinks they are far cleverer than they really are and a nasty peice of work as well. They are prone to blaming other people for their failings, they lie with a straight face, but the lies are so outrageous that even a small amount of questioning reveals them for what they are. They invariably crawl round the boss and are sickeningly sycophantic. Usually overweight, they have personal hygiene issues, despite which they are narcissistic to an unbelievable degree. In short a Malcolm is a liability in the workplace and should never, under any circumstances, be allowed to breed.
Malcolm's made another king-sized fuck-up, he really does live up to his name.
by Croatalin December 20, 2013

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The opposite of a catalyst, a Malcolm will act as a retardent to any process, slowing it to the point where the rate of advancement of any task is almost immeasurably slow.
The job was running on schedule but, since we started using Malcolm, we're not even anticipating an end date anymore.
by Fles November 30, 2010

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a woman usually a teacher probably of
(english or history, you know one of those bitchy ones) who shows strong tendencies towards dikeisim. this woman is usually "married" but keeps her madien name. she shows a strong prejudice to men for no real reason. basically a mean ass woman who is always on the rag.
did you hear that? that chick is totally a malcolm, she hate all the guys in our class
by queerbear March 20, 2008

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a woman usually a teacher probably of
(english or history, you know one of those bitchy ones) who shows towards strong tendencies towards towards dikeisim. this woman is usually "married" but keeps her madden name. she shows a strong prejudice to men for no real reason. basically a mean ass woman who is always on the rag.
dude that fuckin english teacher was totally a Malcolm, she hates all the guys in the class.
by queerbear March 20, 2008

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The most annoying kid you will ever meet. He seems nice at first but then turns out to be a huge douche bag.
That kid is such a Malcolm.
by jimsmith0055 June 03, 2015

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