bullshit speak

Unnecessary words that executives use to make a statement seem more interesting, more informative, more important, or in the case of a report on a company's quarterly losses, more optimistic and less forewarning of people losing their jobs. Your manager uses bullshit speak when he's telling you why you were "laid off" (read: fired because he doesn't like you).

Bullshit speak consists of rarely-used words, words being misused, and on occasion, entirely made-up words.

Whenever LG's fridges, Sony's laptops, or Honda's airbags are blowing up in people's faces, you can be sure that a bunch of reassuring bullshit speak will follow, accompanied by a lot of out-of-court settlements.

Bullshit speak:
We are placing the stock under review, as we parse out how much of the disappointing quarter results can be chalked up to cyclicality and how much was the result of structural issues that have longer-term implications.

Colloquial English:
We're taking a closer look at the tacky garbage that we sell, as we figure out how much of the losses this past 3 months are because we're selling Halloween decorations at Easter, and how much of it is due to to us hiring carpenters to make cupcakes.

bullshit speak by brightshade782 December 30, 2011

bullshitspeak 

a language spoken by businessmen and CEOs. Used to confuse the people they're about to steal mad cash from by replacing common concepts with words that sound nice.

Examples include, but are in no way limited to:
Price point = price
Strategically reduced = fired
Capital = ca$h money
Sold at profit = Ripped off
Presented a convincing argument = lied to/threatened
Net worth = Maximum ransom

Great time to buy = We're in the shitter
Great time to sell = I want more shares

Executive board meeting = Vacation in Cancun

Unanimous decision = only the CEO agreed
Profitable relocation = we're moving to China
Unforeseen expenses = another vacation in Cancun
Somewhat suggested = absolutely required
Socialist = anyone who disagreed
Acquire via purchase = Buy
It was in the contract = If you take this to court you won't win

Salesman: "The price point of this house is so high, if you purchase now we can heavily recommend the likely executive redecision committee to select the nearby land for habitat enrichment rather than strategic redevelopment -- that is, if you agree to a slightly more significant lease agreement."

Normal person: "Don't gimme that bullshitspeak. How much do I have to pay so you won't put up the high-rise?"

bullshitspeak by Col. Hans Landa December 30, 2011