beat the monkey 

Jacking off; Male masturbation.

I am going to stay home and beat the monkey.

beat the monkey by thisismoi January 13, 2008

beat the monkey to the road 

To "beat the monkey to the road" is to anticipate an issue and take steps to mitigate it before it becomes a problem. Being proactive.

"Let's beat the monkey to the road and pick up the beer when we go for the crabs. We don't want to be stuck sitting in traffic!"

beat the monkey to the road by kastagire July 28, 2021

beat by the monkey 

When someone in school gets such a low score on a multiple choice test that a monkey filling in random answers would have beaten them.

Deon: What the..? I got a 12% on my biology midterm!

Poindexter: Weren't there only 4 possible answers for each question? You should have gotten a 25% even if you guessed on every single one!

Deon: How can this be? How can I know LESS than nothing?

Poindexter: Haha, you got beat by the monkey.

beat by the monkey by DeanAmine October 6, 2010

Beat by the monkeys 

To be badly beaten by hoards of individually pathetic opponents. The expression is believed to be derived from an event that occurred to a cutter who was severely injured by a hoard of angry spider monkeys. However, it's also used commonly by soldiers referring to fellow trained fighters who're defeated by civilians...

Poor Captain Jack, he was an MMA fighter but he still got beat by the monkeys when he was drunk at a grocery store and started a fight with some bagboys.

Beat by the monkeys by Zed Numar July 13, 2021