"I was sniffing around at Victoria's Secret the other day. I was like a retard at a chucky cheese. Guess what they have. Underbritches with holes in the crotches. These things sell for 15 bucks. I'm sitting on a dwarful of those worth 250 bucks at home"
"They now have something called eatin' britches. I bought five pairs for my girlfriend and ate a couple on the way to her house. If they made biscuits and gravy flavored, I'd get fat just off that"
"I beleive if I was paid a dollar for every time my dad said he loved me...Well, money isn't important now"
"They say cellphones put microwaves in your body. This guy used one and pooped out a hot pocket"
"If you don't think that's funny, get the hell out of here"
"I have a deaf brother. He also has teret syndrome, so he's all like *makes nasty hand gestures*"
"My girlfriend read a hog hunter magazine and said 'Why don't you trim you're private areas, that'll look sexy.' Oh no, I said. An hour later I have razor bumps and toilet paper squares all over my balls"
"My grandma was in a farting contest..."
"We were throwin M-80s in the water (explosion sound with mouth) watchin the fish fly up. Yeah, we blew the aquarium at the dentist's office all to Hell."
"I called one of them 900 talk-dirty numbers the other day; you ever call one of them? Two people, that's it? And those voices sounded familiar to be honest with you. Well don't call it, it's a rip-off. I got a girl that stuttered and it cost me $1,700 on that deal in there."
"My brother celebrated his 2nd wedding anniversary, and they was goin to celebrate. He wanted to have sex, and she wanted to go to Outback, and my grandmother wanted to go to church, have em rededicate the wedding vows. So, they all compromised and they had sex outback of the church."