Talking to Bert 

This phrase is commonly used to describe the means to jack-off, or as some say masturbate, as an excuse to doing something.

This term Bert comes from Master Bert, a member of Seasme Street. Which is also subliminal messaging.

Guy: Hey pal, why didn't you come hang out last night?
Pal: Oh sorry! I had an important phone call. I was talking to Bert.

You can also play with Bert, dance with Bert or pretty much do anything you can think of with him. Bert is basically another way of saying jacking off.

Talking to Bert by macpolo11 July 22, 2011

Talking to yourself 

Something everyone does but no one will admit to.

Were you talking to yourself?" "No man... I was just singing a song." "A song called fuck that crazy bitch?" "Shut up.

Talking to yourself by sage of the plains June 29, 2011

Talking to Walls 

an amazing and really not too hard to do activity
A) Find a person that doesnt care too much about what you think or say

or, the easiest of the 2

B) Walk up to a wall, quite cautiously in fact, because some walls are very paranoid, politly introduce yourself and being talking to it as if it were listening to you, as we all know that walls are not sentient beings, as opposed to the mattress*, who we all know are poached in the swamplands of Sqornshellous Zeta, dried out and sold to sleep on.

(*everything about the mattress is accredited by Douglas Adams)

A) Talking to her is like talking to a wall

B) If you get bored, try talking to walls

Talking to Walls by moose face...cakes May 19, 2006

talking to callum 

masturbating, its a codeword only the elitely sexy use, generally used around the midlands.

"Rosie was talking to callum for an hour last night"

"zav what are you doing?"
"erm talking to callum mum"

"callum what are those noises?"
"Im talking to callum mum!"

talking to callum by zavier bailey August 23, 2007

Talking to Jack 

The act of getting absolutely shit-faced off Jack Daniels

Do you fancy a beer?

No I'm just going to be Talking to Jack tonight

Talking to Jack by Agonizing Vaginal Dryness October 9, 2011

Talking to George

A code originating out of the Lancaster, Ohio area since the summer of 2014 for smoking leaf. Often used as a slick innuendo for when to light up when persons of authority are around.

Mike: "Hey, later tonight we'll be talking to George. You got any questions for him?"
Brian: "Nah man, I just talked to him this morning."

Talking to George by Telemacchus September 11, 2015

talking to Ralph on the white telephone 

Vomiting most profusely.

Man, after drinking that 151, I talked to Ralph on the white telephone.

talking to Ralph on the white telephone by staccato brainstem June 17, 2005