michigan
One of the United States of America, 26th in the Union, with the longest freshwater shoreline in the entire world. Also, a person is never more than 6 miles from a natural water source, nor 85 miles from one of the Great Lakes. And most importantly, despite our tendency to truncate words, our accent forms what is called the "General American" dialect, or the one considered accent-less by the most people (although we do have some fun with words). Apparently, for people who can't spell, there are 23 different ways the residents of our state choose to spell its name. For what truly defines this state, I refer you below:
In MICHIGAN we have two seasons: WINTER, and CONSTRUCTION. 60 degree TEMPACHUR is occasion for shorts, T-shirts, and maybe a swim. We head UP NORTH to THE COTTAGE, which is anywhere north of the state's middle. The cottage is either some disintegrating cabin in the middle of BFE where we go to play EUCHRE, get drunk and THEN shoot deer; or it's a beach house that sleeps 22 and has its own marina. THE BEACH is Lake Michigan. THE LAKE is whichever Great Lake you are closest to. THE BRIDGE is MACKINAC and never ever pronounced "Mackinack." We have CIDDIES like GRARAPIDS, DihTROIH, Pah-NEEACK, BADDLE CRICK, an AnNARBOR. After coming home from THE PLANT we park our CAHRR in the GRAAGE and then pull A COLE ONE outta the FRIGERRAIDER. Otherwise we STAHP by the SEVENuhLeven an gedduh PAHP. Soda is something you bake with. We eat a SAMWICH, drink MELK, and have SHERBERT for dessert. We make a MICHIGAN LEFT and pass on the RIGHT. Driving the SPEED LIMIT warrants road rage. We blast through RUSH HOUR traffic at 85 mph past state troopers because they are looking for the guys doing 100. If we get pulled over we go to the SECRETARIAHSTATE. Our state bird is the MUSKEEDA which has been known to carry away cats and even small children. G's in verbs are always silent, R's are always hard, and we end our sentences with a PREPOSITION, like. T's in the middle of a word and not supported by another consonant are pronounced like a D, and when coupled with an "N", they get dropped like the useless energy-wasting consonants that they are.
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michigan by Tim The Toolman Taylor March 29, 2008
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