kevnar's definitions

I Know This Guy

An "I know this guy" story is a bullshit story where one person thinks up something funny, cool, gross, weird, or sexy, but essentially untrue, and tries to pass it off as true by framing it as if it happened to someone they supposedly know. It's similar to the "I have this friend" story, where someone asks for advice about a problem that's really about them but they're too embarrassed to say so. "I know this guy" stories are purely about entertainment, however, not about seeking advice.

Jerry: "I know this guy... he caught his sister having sex with their cousin and two friends in their uncle's bed."
Joe: "Sure, Jerry. You *know* this guy. Riiight."
Jerry: "I swear! It's true!"
Joe: "Bullshit. What was the guy's name then?"
Jerry: "Well I don't *know* him, but I heard about it."
Joe: "Sure you did. Sick pervert."

by kevnar February 19, 2007

Take a nap

A phrase used to indicate something is incredibly slow, that you could take a nap by the time it finishes. It's usually used sarcastically and in exaggeration of things that are slower than they should be, but not literally long enough to take a nap (15 minutes or so).

"I might as well put it in park and take a nap by the time this frickin' light turns green."

"This computer is taking forever to boot up. I could probably go get a coffee, bang that secretary in accounting and take a nap by the time it's ready to go."

"You haven't finished yet? Damn, baby! I'm just gonna take a nap already. Wake me up when you're done."

"Hey, waitress, we're just gonna take a nap over here. Wake us up when you finally get around to taking our order."

by kevnar August 13, 2009

I have this friend

An "I have this friend" story, is a story where someone asks for advice about a problem that's really about them, but they're too embarrassed to say so. They're similar to "I know this guy" stories where one person thinks up something funny, cool, gross, weird, or sexy, but essentially untrue, and tries to pass it off as true by framing it as if it happened to someone they supposedly know. "I have this friend" stories are about seeking advice about an embarrassing problem however, not about entertainment.

Janet: "I need your opinion about something."
Mary: "What's up?"
Janet: "Well, I have this friend... She's thinking about cheating on her boyfriend with an old flame who called her up last week. She's not sure what she should do about it."
Mary: "Oh my God, Janet! Chris called you last week!?"
Janet: "It's not about me! It's a friend of mine!"
Mary: "Sure it is. Just make sure Tom doesn't find out."

by kevnar February 20, 2007

going back for the dog

A movie cliché in which half the cast is killed because one of the characters, in a moment of imminent disaster, went back to save their dog, purse, sentimental trinket, or other such non-essential item. Often used by movie makers to ramp up the tension at crucial moments, but usually it ends up just looking idiotic.

"Look at her. There's a 1000 ft wave heading towards them at 700 miles per hour and she's going back for the dog."

"Okay, the frickin' world's about to end and these idiots are running around with suitcases full of their belongings. Talk about going back for the dog."

by Kevnar January 27, 2007

Hollywood IQ

The apparent idiocy of a character in a movie that does selectively moronic things that no real human being would ever do, usually for the purpose of advancing a lousy plot. Examples include, going back for the dog, entering a creepy-looking house alone wearing only your panties, and of course suddenly forgiving a love interest who treated you like dirt through the whole movie just for the sake of a happy ending.

"He's smart enough to concoct an experimental serum to genetically enhance the human body and mind, but dumb enough to try it on himself first, before testing it on rats or bunnies. WTF?"
"Hollywood IQ. Definitely."

"She's supposedly a mental olympian competing with the intellectual elite in a tournament in another city, but she doesn't even notice chaotic screaming and a 1500ft wave coming right at her as she goes back to fetch some stranger's purse from a taxi. Right..."
"She's operating with a Hollywood IQ, man. Give her a break."

by Kevnar August 26, 2009

Smitch

A word game played between bored friends where one person puts together a random string of letters into a pronounceable, but non-English word, and the other person has to explain what incident created that sound effect. The more hilarious the better.

John: Let's play Smitch.
Jared: Okay. I'll start... "Fliff!"
John: A mosquito flying into a candle flame.
Jared: Good one.
John: "Kloink!"
Jared: Someone flings a quarter at a veterans parade and it bounces off an old dude's helmet.
John: Ha ha ha! Yeah... "Kloink!"

by kevnar March 1, 2009

feel my speed

To be in tune with the latest styles, lingo, skills, or information. Mostly used in reference to someone who isn't -- one who doesn't feel your speed. Usually said by someone way ahead of the crowd in trends, fashion, skills, or information. Used in reference to a race where one is among (or no where near) the leaders and can (or can't) feel the roar of the other engines.

1. That punk don't even feel my speed, and he ain't never gonna.

2. Feel my speed, bitch! (Catch up to where I am)

3. Now you're feelin' my speed.

4. I whipped his ass so bad in one-on-one, he couldn't even feel my speed.

5. That brotha came so fast she couldn't even feel his speed. (sometimes it's a bad thing.)

by kevnar July 31, 2006