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19 definitions by jazzriff

 
1.
The fundamentalists, also known as fundies or by their Latin classification Homo Phobius, are a subspecies of humanity distinguished by their phobia (simultaneous fear and hatred) of most people who differ from them in any way, based on their extreme religious conviction.

The threat of eternal physical torture in the mythical flaming demon zoo known as "Hell" is the fundies' primary method of insulting others. They base this conviction on millenia-old books of badly-written tribal customs, myths and genealogy which have been mistranslated many times by other fundies. In the case of the Muslim fundie, these books are contained in the Koran, while the Christian fundie worships the Bible.

The brain of the "Christian" fundie, while generally underdeveloped and often host of outlandish delusions, has a large capacity for memorization of Bible verses (or in the case of the Islamic fundie, Koran verses), often in the Shakespearian English of the King James Version, as this is less easily understood, and thus more easily twisted into the basic fundie message, which is "hate thy neighbor." Fundies, however, occasionally use the euphemism "love thy neighbor" (a rare example of non-literal fundie language) to convey the same idea.

Fundie dogma, along with what has already been mentioned, includes the concepts that differences between individuals, differences often so insignificant as to be unnoticeable without spying, should be the basis for undying hatred of those who possess any of these horrible differences, and for their condemnation to eternal Hellfire. This philosophy is also known as bigotry or douchebaggery. This is based on their occasional cursory reading of the above-mentioned texts combined with their lack of ability to understand the concepts of metaphor, sarcasm or any type of humor whatsoever. Often the fundie will not in fact read the "holy" texts, but will simply memorize the passages which other fundies recite. This is a common behavior pattern of the fundie, since, along with being often illiterate, they are incapable of logical thought, and thus cannot develop any individual opinions on the meaning of these texts.

A short list of those who are often considered by the fundie to be inferior follows:
-atheists
-agnostics
-Muslims according to Christian fundies, and Christians according to Muslim fundies
-HOMOSEXUALS (this is generally the most important enemy of the fundie)
-people who have sex before marriage
-people who are not white
-members of any cult other than that of the fundie in question
-immigrants
-liberals (in the sense of "Democrats" as well as the sense of people who think independently, and/or support any less strict form of government than theocratic fascism, and/or in any way support the concepts of peace, love, or tolerance, as espoused by the Christian fundie's supposed idol, Jesus Christ.)
-people who read or mention parts of the scriptures which endorse liberal blasphemies such as tolerance
-every subculture except their own (e.g. punks, Goths, both of which are known in fundie dialect as "Satanists")
-users of any mind-altering drug except pharmaceuticals and caffeine (and depending on the particular cult, tobacco and alcohol are sometimes accepted)
-married couples who do not always have sex in the missionary position

Despite the similarity in names, fundies despise all forms of fun (such as sex, drug use, movies, dancing, and non-gospel music), considering them to be Satanic.

A short list of fundie cults follows:
-White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan
-Liberty University (despite the name, the members of this cult have a special hatred for liberty, since it is valued by liberals)
-Bob Jones University (for all practical purposes identical with Liberty University)
-Al Qaeda (Islamic)
-the Baptist church
-Pentecostalism (one of the main rituals of this cult involves feigning an epileptic fit while babbling incomprehensbily, which oddly is seen as a sign of holiness and purity)

Though their philosophy would in most places condemn them to be homeless pariahs, in the Southern United States many fundies have found work as preachers and other types of demagagogues (such as politicians). Though fundies for the most part lack any practical skills by fault of their underdeveloped and hate-flooded brains, the ability to convince people that other types of people are not human, but in fact demons sent by Satan, is a valued and respected skill in fundie culture. Abbreviated examples of this ability, often based on the misinterpretation of statistics, are below.
Fact:Black people are arrested, convicted and incarcerated at dramatically higher rates than white people in the U.S.

Standard interpretation: racism is systemic, and/or cops often make mass arrests in black ghettoes.
Fundie (or "psychotic") interpretation: The nigger is a violent and inferior lifeform! They will all burn in hell! We must bring back segregation to protect ourselves!

Fact: Fossil evidence suggests that species evolved over millions of years. As this is scientific evidence, many intellectuals (for example liberals) accept it as fact.
Fundie (or "schizophrenic") interpretation: The Bible does not mention evolution! Therefore the Devil planted the fossil record! The liberals believe the fossil record, therefore they are servants of Satan! The liberals are not people! They must be assimilated!
by jazzriff October 11, 2005
 
2.
1)The philosophy held by douchebags, holding that no one other than themselves (or perhaps their close associates) matters in the least bit, and thus that other human beings can and should be treated like complete excrement for little or no reason (and often for selfish reasons). Closely related to fascism, which has been practiced by control freaks such as Adolf Hitler.
2)The act of putting this philosophy into practice.
1)Some notable (historical and otherwise) adherents of douchebaggery: Josef Stalin, Mao Tse Tung, George W. Bush, Adolf Hitler, Andrew Jackson, George Lincoln Rockwell, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan
2)Examples of douchebaggery in practice, varying in scope and intensity (in the order of the above adherents): fascism; violent political oppression; winning an election through obvious fraud and subsequently invading Iraq based on admitted lies; the Holocaust; the genocide of the Native Americans; the founding of the American Nazi Party; more violent political oppression; declaring jihad on an entire country and slaughtering 3,000 innocent cubicle workers as part of it; declaring a War on Drugs based largely on the delusion that "every one of those goddamn bastards out to legalize marijuana is a Jew" (direct quote from President Richard Nixon); treating the Constitution and the natural environment as a set of obstacles to be overcome.
by jazzriff October 11, 2005
 
3.
Trolling is the act of purposefully antagonizing other people on the internet, generally on message boards. When done in a moderated internet community, this can result in banning. When done to uptight people such as fundies, this can result in hilarity.
Apparently I can't post links here, so I can't give a good example of trolling. Sorry.
by jazzriff October 11, 2005
 
4.
The Church of Voodoo Pharmacology is a popular and global cult which holds the paranoid belief that all scientific studies regarding illegal drugs are liberal conspiracies and thus completely false, and that all illegal drugs are without exception Satanic, immoral, life-ruining, addictive, and deadly. The actions of this cult are oriented towards demonizing and incarcerating all illegal drug users, and in some cases removing them from the earth in some type of Holocaust (see Rush Limbaugh). They strongly and unquestionably support the war on drugs. The official term for all those who disagree with them in any way is "pro-drug."

Many organizations are involved in this cult, including the PDFA, ONDCP, DEA, UN, Republicans, and various pharmaceutical companies, as well as almost all fundie groups. The cult has no official leadership, but the US government and UN share most of the administrative duties.

The cult was founded by Harry J. Anslinger (also first head of the DEA), who was mainly responsible, through the successful use of propaganda, for the national and subsequently global criminalization of marijuana (globally criminalized through U.N. conventions). He was well-known for his racism and violent hatred of jazz, as well as his hypocrisy, reversing his position on the effects of marijuana from the claim that it would make you murderous to the claim that it would make you absolutely useless. This led some to conclude that he was hepped up on goofballs. Some enlightening quotes from him are below.
"Reefer makes darkies think they're as good as white men." (1929)
"There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the US, and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos, and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz, and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and any others."
"...the primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races." (taken from his testimony to Congress)
"Marijuana is an addictive drug which produces in its users insanity, criminality, and death."
"You smoke a joint and you're likely to kill your brother."
"Marihuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing." (1948)
The Church of Voodoo Pharmacology continues to be well known for hypocrisy, racism, and an obsession with marijuana.
by jazzriff October 12, 2005
 
5.
A term used to indicate extreme pleasure with something (it could be practically anything), to the point of that something inducing the grabbing of one's genital area in a reflexive attempt at masturbation. Not necessarily literal. The term was coined by television buffoon Homer Simpson.
Fool: Wow, this Nascar race is groin-grabbingly good!
by jazzriff October 12, 2005
 
6.
In fundie folklore, the lib'ral is a legendary animal of unkown origin, with supernatural powers which it uses to exclusively evil ends. Many ancient anecdotes relate the power of the lib'ral to control the minds of others, and as the legends go, this power is mainly used to distort the media's depiction of reality. How this feat is achieved is not understood, as it has often been observed that media outlets are more often owned by Republicans. According to legend, the lib'ral often enjoys using its considerable powers for the following other dastardly deeds (this is not a complete list:
-supporting terrorism
-questioning the administration
-eating babies
-legalizing drugs (oddly, these attempts have not yet been successful)
-raising taxes
-reducing average personal hygiene
-getting 10-year-olds addicted to crack
-stealing vintage automobiles, and using them to committing fornication frequently and easily
-human sacrifice

Practically any mishap or problem in the life of the Republican can and will be blamed on the lib'rals.
Pete: You seen that news report today on (insert channel here)?
Jerry: It almost made them Muslims look like human beings! Damn them lib'rals in the media!

Vern: Dang, Joe-Bob, someone done run off with mah wife, my hounds and mah penis enlarger pump!
Joe-Bob: It's them lib'rals at work again!
by jazzriff October 12, 2005
 
7.
The PDFA or "Partnership for a Drug-Free America" is a neo-fascist propaganda organization who advocates the elimination of all illegal drug use, using retarded television ads which the U.S. government has repeatedly proven to be completely ineffective. It is well known for comparing all illegal drug users to terrorists through the retard-logic that since some terrorists make money by selling drugs (mainly opium and heroin), any illegal drug user is a proud sponsor of terrorism. By this logic, those who buy gasoline and diamonds should also be demonized and imprisoned, as these are also large sources of income for terrorists. Other ads of theirs make the same hilarious and flagrantly false claims as early 1920's reefer madness films, namely that marijuana will transform you into a murderer and/or rapist and/or teenage whore.

As their name implies, the PDFA support a historically unprecedented goal, the "drug-free society." This qualifies them as loonies. The fact that their ads have no effect whatsoever leads them to ask for more money to put out more of the same ads. This is known as insanity.

The PDFA, a part of the Church of Voodoo Pharmacology, is a subset of the philosophical movement douchebaggery.

In the tradition of bigotry, the PDFA for many years were obvious hypocrites, accepting large sums money from alcohol, tobacco and pharmaceutical companies (presumably in the interests of reducing the competition in the market for mind-altering substances).
PDFA (in complete seriousness): If you smoke a joint, you will by definition find a loaded, cocked gun in your desk and shoot the next person you see. Or, you will run over a small child while driving your car through a fast-food drive-thru and simultaneously smoking marijuana in broad daylight. Or, you will get AIDS.
Stoner: OMG man this shit is fucking hilarious! (*takes hits from the bong*) They should put this stuff on DVD!
by jazzriff October 12, 2005