brucester's definitions

clot mop

Tampax tampon sanitary towel.

Man, the beach was utterly discusting, all sorts; used clot mops, skin willies and logs of shit

by Brucester September 16, 2006

diarraulics

A continuous viscous blockage of the entire tract whereby the hydraulic effect of eating one meal simply guarantees that another is angrily spat out of the other end.

I don't know what to do, eating is useless, I'm suffering a diarraulics attack.

by Brucester September 16, 2006

brown fudge sunday

No....not a mis-spelling. A day of the week upon which you should be afforded rest and relaxation, but due to the fact that you have three children under four years of age you spend that day packing a despatching shit pastys into the nappy bin.

"Hey come on, I've done six today already - you have a go,
I'm just having a brown fudge sunday and bugger all else"

by Brucester September 16, 2006

Gob-Wash

The act of drinking from a vessel but returning some or all of the liquid back into the vessel.

"HEY! don't Gob Wash it you filthy chav, how can we have some NOW."

"When you go up for communion, make sure that ***** is behind you, I reckon he Gob-Washes the chalice."

by Brucester September 16, 2006

brown trout fisherman

A person that is homosexual in an environment of straight people.

"How can I put the sensitively Gemma, our friend Gideon, the one you made a move on this morning, well he, em, is a Brown Trout Fisherman" "Oh dear I'm not putting this very well am I....he's a sausage jockey, a marmite driller, a pillow biter"

2 hours later....

".....A Hershey highwayman, a fudge packer"

"OH, you mean he's GAY"

"Yes"

by Brucester September 16, 2006

builder's inspection

Unprofessional behaviour by domestic builders whereby during their lunch break they ALWAYS inspect the contents of the underwear drawer of an absent home owner especially if she is a real honey. Passing the items round they mentally picture her wearing them....I'm told...by numerous building acquaintances.

"Arrrrrrrrgh !!! You make sure you lock those fucking monkies out when you leave tomorrow"

"Why ????? They're doing great with the conservatory"

"BECAUSE David, they've held a fucking Builder's Inspection - that's why....I can tell"

by Brucester September 18, 2006

Bogus Lotto

A set up whereby someone is led to believe that they have in fact won the Lotto.

The person who's name is Leigh records the Lottery Programme, notes the winning numbers and buys a ticket the following week with these numbers on and gives it to his wife. On Saturday they both sit down as the show starts but it's 'run VT' and she doesn't realise but she is now watching last weeks show. He shares in the 'excitement' as all the numbers come up, the bastard has even included the Bonus Ball - AS WELL. He then lets her phone up Lottery HQ to claim her prize....hey why not? It's ONLY a joke... :-0

"OK Mrs X I will need a few examples of unreasonable behaviour to put before the court"

1. Bogus Lotto
2. Donkey Punches
3. He wears stockings and has a vibrator up his ass most times we have sex.
4. Conducts "Builder's Inspections" at customer's houses.
5. Casts lead weights in the shape of gold bars and paints them accordingly, ages coins with bleach and 'lets me find both while scuba diving on shipwrecks with him.

Thank you Mrs X, that should do nicely.

Leigh......you're one in a million but we all love you!

by Brucester September 18, 2006