76 definitions by brett burkhardt

A person who has a thousand coupons that they drag everywhere with them and gets pissed if the one they try and use can’t be accepted.
What should have been a 3 minute stop to get a pack of smokes turned into a 20 minute ordeal because the Coupon Cunt in front of me refused to accept the fact that the store will not accept a coupon for cat food that expired in 2003.
by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008
Not exactly a fuck buddy but someone who you have friendly conversation with just before and after sex during regular booty calls.
“Nick is a great Booty Buddy but I just don’t think we’d get along if we spent time together not having sex.”
by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008
Someone who’s just too ugly and unappealing even for cheap, skanky, depressing porn.
Brian thought he’d make a great porn star but his greasy hair, two inch dick, hairy back, acne scared face, Oompa Loompa orange tan, flat ass, three minute staying power, and his problem with anal leakage made him a real Porno No-No.
by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008
Someone who thinks that living downtown is the only way to go and that everyone else is an uncultured rube.
“I can’t visit her, she lives in the suburbs for God’s sake! You might as well ask me to go to the deep south or the dark heart of Africa or some other place with no running water or appletinis!” Shrieked the uppity urbanite.

“Oh...my...God....is that a cow?! Hold me, I’m scared, it’s going to be just like Deliverance”
“Shut the fuck up, Catherine. If you’re going to pull this uppity urbanite shit with me we will end this road trip right now.”
by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008
Someone who ruins their life by sleeping around in a stupid, careless, and self destructive manner.
The congressman was committing suicide by slut when he took those tranny hookers to the pay by the hour motel just three blocks down from the local tv station.

When Greg told us he doesn’t use condoms with the skanks he brings home from the bar we all knew he was committing suicide by slut.
by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008
When texting is done on the toilet.
"He sent me 20 texts today which is odd. He hardly ever texts and said he had the runs."
"I think he was toilet texting you."
"Gross!"
by Brett Burkhardt May 12, 2008
To spend money to "improve" or "pimp out" a worthless item such as a crappy car, dump of a house, or other such item. Usually done by spending more to upgrade an item than was paid for it but still not actually increasing the value of the item with these upgrades.
After Sam spent $1900 to pimp out his $300 rusted out, beat up, 1982 Celebrity all he got for his trouble was a gilded turd and credit card debt.

"My sister is a moron."
"Why's that?"
"She bought a $30,000 burnt out house in the worst part of town and spent $100,000 making it livable. Now she can't sell it because everyone who could afford it doesn't want to live anywhere near that part of town."
"Sounds like she's got a gilded turd on her hands."
by Brett Burkhardt May 12, 2008

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