On a frosty winter's night, a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party called Delia was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely. And on this frosty winter's night, young Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon.
And the pioneer's beseeched the soldiers to grant them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers, the hospital was full. And so there in the stable, among the feed and tack, and the... the... whatsis, Delia gave birth to a son, whom she called Alvis, as was her wont.
"Vengeance is mine!" quoth Alvis. Then he shot that guy right in the freakin face.