Sir Bartholomew McTavish's definitions
1:) cuntanet: The online interwebbing tool invented a thousand years ago by people who obviously want other people to be able to get in touch with them because the telephone and the front door weren't inconvienient enough.
2:)A place to which all 10% of non porn is given over to people who have no lives. EG: gamers, moaners, whiners, diners, bankers, wankers, politicians, newsreaders, newslisteners, mothers who try to ban kids books when they should be being mothers. Essentially anyone not doing, watching or making porn use the cuntanet.
2:)A place to which all 10% of non porn is given over to people who have no lives. EG: gamers, moaners, whiners, diners, bankers, wankers, politicians, newsreaders, newslisteners, mothers who try to ban kids books when they should be being mothers. Essentially anyone not doing, watching or making porn use the cuntanet.
STEVE: Yo, Dude where the hell are you?
DAVE: I'm on the cuntanet.
STEVE: The what?
DAVE: The cuntanet.
STEVE: Yeah, I heard, I'm not deaf. What the fuck is the cuntanet?
DAVE: It's where us bloggers, gamers, whiners, diners, bankers, wankers, politicians, newsreader, newlisteners, mothers, facebookers,bebo-ers and myspacers waste our time, lives, potential-full futures because the world and human society has become a vapid tract of poo, where all need of entelechy has dissipated from our causal descent of beginning and end.
STEVE: So, it's your stupid name for the internet.
DAVE: Why don't you go practise your grapholagnia?
STEVE:Because you're too busy in the bathroom practising your emunctionon your anus.
DAVE: I'm on the cuntanet.
STEVE: The what?
DAVE: The cuntanet.
STEVE: Yeah, I heard, I'm not deaf. What the fuck is the cuntanet?
DAVE: It's where us bloggers, gamers, whiners, diners, bankers, wankers, politicians, newsreader, newlisteners, mothers, facebookers,bebo-ers and myspacers waste our time, lives, potential-full futures because the world and human society has become a vapid tract of poo, where all need of entelechy has dissipated from our causal descent of beginning and end.
STEVE: So, it's your stupid name for the internet.
DAVE: Why don't you go practise your grapholagnia?
STEVE:Because you're too busy in the bathroom practising your emunctionon your anus.
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish July 22, 2009
Get the cuntanet mug.That time of year when you just can't be arsed to do anything or can't be arsed to bother with Christmas. It's about the same time all the shops cash in off December 25th by starting their X-Mas sales in Mid July and which don't end until the end of February.
Enid: Cyril, are you going to put up the decorations? It's only four days until the birthday of our Lord?
Cyril: I can't be Christmarsed.
Enid: Oh go on, I'll let you fondle my new hip?
Cyril: Fuck off you slag.I should've married your sister. At least she swallowed.
Cyril: I can't be Christmarsed.
Enid: Oh go on, I'll let you fondle my new hip?
Cyril: Fuck off you slag.I should've married your sister. At least she swallowed.
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish December 21, 2008
Get the Christmarse mug.That strange feeling when having an abnormally lengthy piddle when from nowhere a torrent of farts emanate from the anus.
Max: When I was having a slash a minute ago I'm sure I fartinated. Have you ever done that?
TERRENCE: Only when whizzing on your Mum
MAX: WHAT?!
TERRENCE: Nothing. got any pies?
TERRENCE: Only when whizzing on your Mum
MAX: WHAT?!
TERRENCE: Nothing. got any pies?
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish April 3, 2008
Get the Fartinate mug.Where a fit young girl has top bollocks, an older chesticularly gravity afflicted lady will have bottom bollocks.
1:)
Ricky: Bianca, can I touch your bottom bollocks?
Bianca: What are you trying to say? 'Ave I got saggy tits or sumfing?
Ricky: Well,I'd be lying if I said no, but they're still really nice and...OWW...wotchoo 'it me for you daft facking woman.
2:)
Lindsay Lohan, in 30 years.
Catherine Zeta, in 15 years.
Ellen Degeneres, now.
Ricky: Bianca, can I touch your bottom bollocks?
Bianca: What are you trying to say? 'Ave I got saggy tits or sumfing?
Ricky: Well,I'd be lying if I said no, but they're still really nice and...OWW...wotchoo 'it me for you daft facking woman.
2:)
Lindsay Lohan, in 30 years.
Catherine Zeta, in 15 years.
Ellen Degeneres, now.
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 1, 2009
Get the bottom bollocks mug.facecool is what happens when you try to type out Facebook in a text message with T9 predictive-fucking-text on.
DAVID: Whoah, Rebecca, Victoria's on to us, somebody just text me saying that Victoria's figured out how to use a computer and has just spotted our facecool page.
REBECCA: What the fuck is facecool?
DAVID: I don't know, it's in this text. Can we go to Disney Land Rebecca, you promised.
REBECCA: What the fuck is facecool?
DAVID: I don't know, it's in this text. Can we go to Disney Land Rebecca, you promised.
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 5, 2009
Get the facecool mug.Of the portly, well endowed and sometimes aged of the female sex.
When the lady/beast in question wears a bra that is far too small for massive jubblies.
The 'Nork Chop' refers to the skin that overhangs the bra itself.
Sometimes nice (fit babe), othertimes scary (portly woman) and downright wrong but kinda not bad if you don't admit to liking it, with the other. (Old women.)
When the lady/beast in question wears a bra that is far too small for massive jubblies.
The 'Nork Chop' refers to the skin that overhangs the bra itself.
Sometimes nice (fit babe), othertimes scary (portly woman) and downright wrong but kinda not bad if you don't admit to liking it, with the other. (Old women.)
CLARENCE: Steve,did you see that Lindsay Lohan's 'Nork Chops' in that '9 oclock News' segment? Id tap me sumofthat!
STEVE: I wouldnt say no to her in bed.but she wouldnt say yes.
CLARENCE: That's right. Rich bitches only go for rich guys. Or really ugly lesbians, who coincidentaly, usually own disgusting 'Nork Chops'.
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BARRY: Oh my god, that fat bird must have not cooked her 'Nork Chops' properly coz they're making me wanna
vomit just by looking at them.
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OLD LADY: Dennis dear, my falsies have fallen down my dirty pillows (Tits). Be a dear and fish them out for me.
DENNIS: I don't think so bitch. I aint going near your manky Nork Chops. You diseased maniac.
STEVE: I wouldnt say no to her in bed.but she wouldnt say yes.
CLARENCE: That's right. Rich bitches only go for rich guys. Or really ugly lesbians, who coincidentaly, usually own disgusting 'Nork Chops'.
----------------------------------
BARRY: Oh my god, that fat bird must have not cooked her 'Nork Chops' properly coz they're making me wanna
vomit just by looking at them.
----------------------------------
OLD LADY: Dennis dear, my falsies have fallen down my dirty pillows (Tits). Be a dear and fish them out for me.
DENNIS: I don't think so bitch. I aint going near your manky Nork Chops. You diseased maniac.
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish December 12, 2007
Get the nork chops mug.1. Misspelt other word for swaddling material wrapped firmly around an infant,baby or politician to ensure warmth & love.
2. Blankets that have to bolted firmly around a woman while having intercourse in the dark, 'incase God sees her naked' is the usual excuse, but she quite okay with being starkers on her own in her backgarden/playground/webcast.
(Possibly a woman who is a barren lesbian, farmhand.)
2. Blankets that have to bolted firmly around a woman while having intercourse in the dark, 'incase God sees her naked' is the usual excuse, but she quite okay with being starkers on her own in her backgarden/playground/webcast.
(Possibly a woman who is a barren lesbian, farmhand.)
MAN: Darling I know we've only known eachother fifteen years and are having a healthy, normal,if awfully infrequent, sexual relationship with one another but would it be ok if we could, perhaps, have sexual relations on top of the funting tonight as I've never so much as seen one of your nipples! The closest is that drawing, that I drew, ten years ago.
WOMAN: (Uninteligable gibberish to the effect of 'No,sex is all you ever think about, you lazy,unshaven,quite wellhung, perverted,disgusting, patriarchal, misogynistic bastard. Give me more female orgasms while I laugh at your penis & talk to my friends about how it only gets wet once a week.' etcetera usual guff,excuses & insults.)
WOMAN: (Uninteligable gibberish to the effect of 'No,sex is all you ever think about, you lazy,unshaven,quite wellhung, perverted,disgusting, patriarchal, misogynistic bastard. Give me more female orgasms while I laugh at your penis & talk to my friends about how it only gets wet once a week.' etcetera usual guff,excuses & insults.)
by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 1, 2008
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