Monkey's Dad's definitions

The New Misanthropy

A novel condition in which the sufferer looks upon approaching human beings as threats, just for breathing, and wants them to burn in hell.

What was this moron, this utter fool, coming toward her with his mouth covered and his fucking nostrils exposed?! He was human scum, a killer, and the sight of him filled her with revulsion. At one time she might have found him attractive. But now? Now she wanted to smash him, hard, but that would entail proximity, the last thing she'd ever want to share with another person. She knew she'd contracted The New Misanthropy, but it was a damn sight better than Covid.

by Monkey's Dad February 10, 2021

meat loafers

What a devout vegan sees when she spots your leather shoes.

She had fallen for his whole 'I'm so kind to animals' thing. On their first date, happily sharing Impossible Burgers with him, she dropped her fork. At floor level, she saw his feet. "Hypocrite!" she screamed. Are those vegan leather? No! You are wearing meat loafers!" She grabbed her phone, unfriended him, and stalked off. Needing some comfort food, he signaled the waiter for a bacon cheeseburger.

by Monkey's Dad March 6, 2020

femoji

An emoji used primarily or exclusively by women or girls, ie; any emoji.

She ends every sentence, sometimes every phrase, with, like, a femoji.

by Monkey's Dad April 18, 2020

Remembership Drive

The futile urge to recall the "toll-free" number - is there another kind anymore? - which the announcers manning the membership drive on Public Radio have repeated several dozen times in the past few seconds and which, as a result, refuses to be recalled.

Let's see... 888... something something... why do I have such low remembership drive for that number, even though it is toll-free?

by Monkey's Dad September 11, 2019

impeccably ill-mannered

The quality of knowing how to offend and alienate as many people, in as short a time, as possible.

He was their new neighbor, so comprehensively offensive to everybody that within a couple of weeks of his arrival he was a laughing stock. No one wanted him there. No one was speaking to him, or ever would. He had trained hard to become what he was - impeccably ill-mannered. It was a talent given to few.

by Monkey's Dad May 10, 2021

long distance relationslump

The toll on a couple normally kept apart by distance, now further separated by travel restrictions.

Their New York-L.A. thing had felt dynamic, sharing best-of-both with alternating weeks. After months of facetime but no actual faces, and no actual bodies, they were in a long distance relationslump.

by Monkey's Dad April 17, 2020

OMC

Shock at testing positive for the Omicron variant of Covid.

"I sincerely hope you're fully vaccinated"
"Who? Me? ... Why?"
"Your test came back positive. But relax. It will only kill you if you're unvaccinated,"
"OMC"
"OMG! Please tell me..."
"I mean... I figured... if Marjorie Taylor Greene didn't get the shot... or wear a mask... no need, right?"

by Monkey's Dad December 31, 2021