Mike and Mike the Accountants 's definitions

cumdgement call

The "judgement call" a man must make in the moments preceding impending orgasm whilst having unprotected sex, regarding the placement of his ejaculatory load. Despite the agreement, discussion, etc. that he and his partner may have had before and during sex, the man has the ultimate power whether to pull out or not, and where to ejaculate should he indeed pull out. Scrupulous and complex calculations are performed by the man during these nanoseconds. These calculations weigh factors such as chance of child conception, partner reaction and, ultimately, satisfaction.

Mike 1: Dude I had to make a hard cumdgement call whether to pull out or not. By my calculations, the best move was to splooge on her face.
Mike 2: Was she on birth control?
Mike 1: Yea but who cares?

by Mike and Mike the Accountants March 17, 2017

stealth boner

Similar to a stealth bomber, this is when a male attempts to hide his erection from others. Depending on the intensity of the erection, the size of the male's penis, and the clothes he is wearing, the male may go about a stealth boner in several ways:the most common is to stick his penis upwardly flat against his abdomen using his pants to hold it down. If the erection is only mild in intensity, he may try and hold the erection against his thigh in his pant leg. Attempting to have a stealth boner is exponentially more difficult whilst wearing gym shorts and/or no shirt. Most men grow increasingly adept at using stealth boners since the onset of puberty.

Mike 2: Dude I gotta go talk to one of the director's but that hot audit chick gave me a raging stiffy...what do I do???
Mike 1: Just walk in with a stealth boner dumbass!

by Mike and Mike the Accountants June 9, 2017

Siberian mudslide

A Siberian mudslide can be performed via multiple sexual positions and among both heterosexual and homosexual partners, however doggystyle is the preferable position for maximum value. It is also recommended that you ingest a large helping of horse laxatives approximately 30-40 minutes before sex. After ejaculating onto your partner's back (preferably as high as possible without entering the neck area), quickly point your anus onto the semen that you've just laid and defecate as much as possible before your partner moves. Your partner will quickly realize what is transpiring, causing him or her to quickly jump up, thus causing the whitish-brown semen feces explosion to slide down his or her back, thus resembling an icy mudslide in Siberia.

Mike 1: Yo you'll never guess what I did to my wife last night!

Mike 2: Dude what???

Mike 1: I took 30 grams of pure bear laxatives, came on her back and gave her a good old Siberian mudslide.

Mike 2: Dude no way, let me get some of those laxatives and I'll try it tonight!

by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 10, 2017

stiff piss

When a male attempts to urinate standing up while his penis is erect. In most cases he must squat, bend, etc. in efforts to get his penis as close as possible to the bowl without actually touching it leaving him in a peculiar and uncomfortable position. This normally occurs in conjunction with morning wood, or immediately after ejaculating.

Mike 1: I'll brb dude, I gotta take a stiff piss.
Mike 2: Why the fuck is your dick hard?

by Mike and Mike the Accountants May 26, 2017

depar

"Raped" spelled backward. This term refers to the very small percentage of the time where a person (likely female) implores you to stop touching, groping, or performing any other sexual advances when, in fact, the individual actually wants said advances but expresses the opposite sentiment for various, unknown reasons. You, being the upstanding and law-abiding individual that you are, immediately cease all sexual advances in efforts to avoid rape and/or sexual harassment charges. Usually the person being "sexually harassed" sends a disappointed text message the next day asking why you stopped your sexual advances and adds something like "I wanted to fuck you so badly".

Kelly: Mike, what happened last night, I wanted you to fuck my brains out?

Me: You yelled "stop you're raping me"!

Kelly: I was just saying that so you'd try harder!

Me: Omg I just got depar

by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 16, 2017

cruise cumtrol

During the act of male masturbation, cruise cumtrol is the task of maintaining one's erection either whilst browsing pornographic videos, while the video is loading/buffering, while the video is streaming mundane content (see "fap forward"), during the awkward scrotum vag exclusive shots, etc. If performed correctly, cruise cumtrol requires minimal lubrication due to the speed of the stroke, and increases the intensity of one's orgasm. The inconvenient truth of the matter is that the cruise cumtrol stage of masturbation often lasts the majority duration of the masturbatory session but significantly enhances the size of the male's warm gooey bukake mess.

Mike 1: Dude I had like a 40 min fap sesh last night

Mike 2: Your dick must be raw as roadkill!

Mike 1: Naw I was in the act of cruise cumtrol for 99% of it and how I have to send my mac to the apple store for cleaning...

by Mike and Mike the Accountants September 7, 2017

new jersey sump pump

See "New Jersey soap pump", except the aforementioned soap pump is reciprocated by the pumpee to the pumper using the the pumper's semen as lubricant for the sump pump.

Mike 1: Dude my hands are so cold, I could really go for a New Jersey sump pump right now, would you mind initiating with a New Jersey soap pump and I'll complete the process?

Mike 2: Sure man!

by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 3, 2017