shitwink

A mentally impaired, transcendentally abrasive and pusillanimous white male of college age. Frequently intoxicated, boisterous and devoid of all social graces, a shitwink commonly (though not invariably) sports birdshit hair: that is, a heavily gelled, purposefully mussed coiffure, à la mode moderne. His physiognomy is distinctive: dull, vacant eyes coupled with a perpetual, rodentine snarl. In general bearing, his countenance has been likened to that of an "oily child molester" or a "closeted, men's room-haunting frot." His repertoire of vocalizations is limited; moreover, he is seldom heard unless in the presence of other shitwinks, in whose company he freely uses such standard calls as "beer me," "wooo yeah," and "aight." Nocturnal rounds of bestial yelping are also reported--apparently intended as a territorial "warning" to non-shitwinks. Beyond issuing social and territorial vocalizations, the shitwink's time is chiefly invested in the following three activities: 1.) imbibing alcohol; 2.) harassing his peaceable neighbors (an activity pursued only from within the safety of a shitpack and often under cover of darkness); and 3.) lording it over his shitbitch. When alone and exposed to daylight they are timid, quavering creatures. Commonly abbreviated "wink." Cf. "Shitneck"

"Hey, Bill, ain't that a shitwink?"

"Yeah, Melchizedek, that fellow is a shitwink."

"Please hand me that blade, Bill."

"Why, Mechizedek?"

"I'm gonna shank that facking 'wink!"

"Oh! Oh! May I please narc him with this rusty, jagged shiv--by way of a coup de grace?"

"Yes, you may, Bill."

by Big Butter and Eggs Man (From Waaaay Out in da West) November 11, 2005