schlongwallop

To strike anything and anyone, but especially the face of a sexual partner or as a punitive or compensatory action subordinate, with one's penis. Typically (but not exclusively) achieved with a semi-erect to erect penis, held to one side and then released to execute a springing action. The success of a schlongwallop is generally measured by the resulting smack; indeed the sheer force of a good schlongwalloping is what sets a schlongwallop apart from a simple dick slap, and (possibly apocryphal) at least one veteran schlongwalloper claims to have rendered a victim unconscious with his best wallop.

In some American states such as Minnesota (but never Iowa), men possessing unusually large penises may alternatively achieve a successful schlongwallop simply by twisting the torso, or even engaging in an extended spin of adequate duration to strike multiple targets (a "spinning schlongwallop"). Another variation - considered by some aficionados to be a completely separate maneuver - is the linear schlongwallop, wherein a penis is extended perpendicular to the direction of travel, e.g. outside of a bus window or while prancing sideways.

When announced in advance but with no target indicated, a schlongwalloping is understood to be directed at the closest person's face.

1) $7?! If this isn't the best fucking caramel macchiato ever, I'm going to schlongwallop everyone in here.

2) Yesterday my ex-girlfriend complained that when she woke up I was sporking her, so this morning she woke up to a good schlongwalloping right in her resting douche face. Bye Felicia.

3) Other than losing that testicle at the car wash, my friend Reb has all the luck. The first time he stuck his dick out the subway train window it overshot the station and he schlongwalloped like thirty people before anyone knew what was happening. And then he got a penis enlargement so now he goes out at night and fires off knuckle children all over the mushroom stamp print and artist's rendition posters the cops put up while yelling "bust this!"

4) Did you know Reb once went to Comic-Con dressed as Spongebob Squarepants? Here's the thing: he was upside-down, walking on his hands the whole time. His dick was the nose and his lucky testicle was one of the eyes. Everybody thought he was just being affectionate with all the eskimo kisses. They'll never catch that guy … at least not for the Con Ball-Up Schlongwallop of 2019.

schlongwallop by schlongwalloper January 18, 2022