crushin' softies

Is a term of art used to describe a methodology employed by the US Military in an effort to siphon out homosexuals from service in response to the apparent lack of success of federal statute 10 U.S.C. § 654, or more commonly referred to as the "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. If a male serving in any military branch is suspected of engaging in homosexual activity, they will be called before there superior officer and asked to crush softies with one of there peers. To "crush" the suspected gay will pull out his penis and press it against the penis of his crushing partner. The idea is that the male's penis will remain flaccid and non-erect when pressed against the other male's wiener if he straight, thus proving his true sexuality. However if his penis becomes erect (a boner), the male has failed the test, and undoubtedly likes to sex other males in the fanny, thus precluding him from further military service. (Other words/phrases synonymous with the test include: "the crush game", "bumpin' soft-dick", "hamin' sandies" and "Captain Crunchin"). A similar test has been used to target homosexual females, known as "crushin' tits", however results are generally understood as unreliable due to varying room temperatures and the fact that no one cares if hoes wanna scissor each other.

Soldier: "Lieutenant Nilbog I've got some serious news. Private Johnson just got walked in on making a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread and listening to Coldplay!"

Lieutenant: "Holy fuck. Go get Johnson immediately and bring him in here. You two are gonna be crushin' softies till we get to the bottom of this."

crushin' softies by General Goblincock April 14, 2010