i suppose its gotta to be darren mason!!
he fits that description!!

When you eat dirt for the first time and leave your family to build a shack in the woods

Overgrown fuckwit who doesn't have the brainpower to tie his own shoes. He is widley recognised as the laziest toss piece on the face of the planet. An 'Umtape'may also display various forms of pikey behaviour such as pissing in phoneboxes in the middle of a highstreet and falling in a pile of his own spew. They may on occasion show a fondness for the comedian Jethro while complaining of a cold head, however this is usually the result of mass alcohol consumption. Very suceptable to persuasion from persons with large ears! Noted to have an unhealthy facination with pornography and will usually have an extensive collection.