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noun: a modern day superhero. on the surface he looks like a clean-shaven, well kept gentleman. but really.... he's the sole force against evil in this hostile world. he's 100% man, and 10% briefcase. his briefcase is composed out of the hides of baby manatees and the tail fin of a basking shark, which he killed with his icy gaze. no one is sure of the contents of the briefcase, but several have tried to find out; unfortunately they failed, resulting in horrible deaths. it is known that Captain Briefcase lives in a doorless house with no windows; he simply walks through the walls to get inside. the only contents of his house are a sharp razor, a change of basketball shorts, and small white t-shirts. this guy is so intense, he killed two stones with one briefcase.
taylor: goddam, psychology is sooooo boring!

mike: seriously, i wish something cool would happen today.

marc: i cant even stay awake...

*Captain Briefcase enters the room*

taylor, mike, and marc: OH FUCK!

*everyone is turned to stone*
by the storm drains May 18, 2009
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