Flex Officer (noun):
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
You: “Why the hell am I getting mandated again?”
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
by BigDaddyBear53 July 4, 2025
Get the Flex Officermug. When someone is flaunting, bragging. You see a lot of celebrities do that and probably rude girls in school. If someone does this often enough they’re a flexor
Becky: Well, yesterday my Dad bought me a yacht and bought me a car, it was a Lamborghini
John: Becky stop flexing,no one likes flexors
John: Becky stop flexing,no one likes flexors
by Personbehindscreen5 June 20, 2019
Get the Flexmug. by Keepitgangst November 9, 2017
Get the Juice Flexmug. When two people talk about how hard their lives were and constantly trying to one up the other in how much of a struggle their life has been.
by Philosophic2311 April 5, 2021
Get the Struggle Flexingmug. My bro: I heard Greg tried to do a backflip because he was in front of hella females and landed on his face
Me: yea he’s a flex
Me: yea he’s a flex
by Shlong dong daddy April 11, 2020
Get the Flexmug. You know those wax pads? Well this is the alternative to that phony shit. if you wax your balls with this stuff, people will hear your scream from a couple miles away...but at least there is no more ball hair!
mom: *looks in cabinet for waxing pads, cant find any
mom: shit, well at least i got flex tape.
son:* sleeping peacefully in bedroom until being woken up by hearing his mom yell in pain from downstairs bathroom.
mom: shit, well at least i got flex tape.
son:* sleeping peacefully in bedroom until being woken up by hearing his mom yell in pain from downstairs bathroom.
by bobo_the_hobo6 January 31, 2019
Get the flex tapemug. by Creativelingo January 25, 2021
Get the Flexmug.