Big John machine

Extremely expensive audio systems usually playing the song 'Big Bad John' in very high quality. Advertised on TikTok or other platforms.

What is that weirdly shaped thing? Ah, that's just my Big John machine *proceeds to play Big Bad John in high quality*

by KC-130 October 7, 2025

Deus sex machina

Phenomena where the most unbreedable character in fiction gets laid for the purpose of plot or bad writing

(insert the most annoying character in fiction) is getting laid can you believe it?

fucking Deus sex machina

by evil molester February 11, 2026

Long-Duration Motion Machines

The natural and artificial systems that move things across geological timescales—glaciers that carve valleys over millennia, tectonic plates that rearrange continents over eons, and human institutions that change so slowly they might as well be geological. Long-duration motion machines include the slowly shifting course of rivers, the gradual uplift of mountains, and the federal government, which moves with approximately the same speed and predictability as a continent, just with more paperwork.

Example: "She studied glaciers as long-duration motion machines, watching them inch forward year after year, carving landscapes with patience that humans cannot fathom. When her grant was delayed by government bureaucracy—another long-duration motion machine—she found the irony unbearable. The glacier, she noted, was faster."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Short-Duration Motion Machines

Devices designed to capture, measure, or create movements that happen in fractions of a second—high-speed cameras that freeze bullets in flight, strobe lights that reveal the wingbeat of a hummingbird, and the shutter button on your phone that you press a moment too late, capturing your friend's blink instead of their smile. These machines reveal a world that exists too fast for human perception, a hidden realm of split-second decisions, fleeting expressions, and the exact moment a water balloon bursts.

Short-Duration Motion Machines *Example: "He bought a short-duration motion machine—a high-speed camera that could record 100,000 frames per second. His first project was filming a water balloon popping. The footage revealed structures and patterns no human eye had ever seen. His second project was filming his cat knocking things off tables, which was less scientific but more entertaining."*

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Medium-Duration Motion Machines

The vehicles, tools, and systems that shape our experience of movement over hours and days—cars, trains, airplanes, and the humble elevator, which transforms a three-minute stair climb into thirty seconds of awkward silence with a stranger. These machines have redefined human experience, turning journeys that once took weeks into commutes that take hours, giving us more time to be somewhere else and less time to appreciate where we are. The ultimate medium-duration motion machine is the treadmill, which lets you move for an hour and go absolutely nowhere.

Medium-Duration Motion Machines *Example: "His car was a medium-duration motion machine that carried him through two hours of traffic daily. He listened to podcasts about productivity while being completely unproductive, trapped in a metal box, moving at 3 miles per hour, surrounded by other metal boxes also moving slowly. He called it 'commuting,' which is Latin for 'this is fine.'"*

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Cavan Card Machine

The act of ejaculating onto a credit card. Female companion then proceeds to snort the jizz like a line of cocaine.

Did you hear he got a Cavan Card Machine in the front of his car last week.

by 7soggyciaran February 19, 2026

Long-Duration Motion Machines of the First Kind (LDMM1)

A class of devices designed to maintain motion for extremely long periods—thousands of years or more—by optimizing energy storage and minimizing losses, while respecting the First Law of Thermodynamics (energy conservation). Unlike perpetual motion machines (which claim to violate physical laws), LDMM1 acknowledge that energy must come from somewhere; they just store it so efficiently that motion continues far beyond human timescales. Think of a flywheel in a perfect vacuum, on frictionless bearings, spinning for millennia on the energy you gave it once. LDMM1 don't create energy—they hoard it, releasing it so slowly that "long-duration" means geological time. They're possible because the First Law isn't violated; energy is conserved, just doled out over eons.

Long-Duration Motion Machines of the First Kind (LDMM1) "That clock they built in 1986 is still running on its original battery? It's not perpetual motion—it's just really, really efficient. That's LDMM1: store energy once, release it over centuries. Not magic, just engineering so good it looks like magic to anyone who's ever changed a smoke detector battery."

by Dumu The Void March 1, 2026