Sean O'Halloran's definitions

Cortlandt Manor

Cortlandt Manor is a realtor's fiction in Cortlandt, the furthest northwest township in Westchester County, NY. In it you will find quaint old farmhouses, cul-de-sacs dotted with grossly gargantuan McMansions, sad old-age homes, pathetic retirement villages, and white-trashed trailer parks. Economically both better and worse off than Croton-on-Hudson (home to the nouveaux riches families and NASCAR dads), it is adjacent to the urban embarrassment known as "Peekskill." The township was so humiliated by the presence of African-Americans in its community that it petitioned the USPS to create a separate Zip Code (10567) that distinguishes it from its darker sister (Peekskill: 10566). In the center of the town, the so-called Cortlandt Town Center, stands a United Artists Multiplex flanked by a hair-do establishment and pizza joint (with not-too-shabby pizza). To experience the full range of its denizens, go to the adjacent Walmart at said Center and count the number of teeth ( = n) that you find in the mouths of the shoppers ( = S) on any checkout line. You will find that at any given time nS < 32. The town has no focus, no personality short of calling itself "The Gateway to the Hudson," which basically means that it's a sewer pipe. It is a hell for those who can't drive and a vicious purgatory for those who do. It contains a farm where you can watch the decapitation of your Thanksgiving turkey or the slaughter of your Easter lamb, a place coincidentally close to Walter Penis High School, one of the two centers for higher education in the area (the other being Hen Hud, whatever that supposed to mean--probably a reference to chickens). All in all, living in Cortlandt Manor is better than living in Putnam County.

1. I saw some bro's sharing a fatty near the Peekskill Projects as I was driving to the Modell's in Cortlandt Manor.

2. I wish my parents would move to that anus of a town, Croton-on-Hudson, since living in Cortlandt Manor is the equivalent to being 1.5 feet up the colon.

by Sean O'Halloran December 28, 2005