Professor Simon J. Futtbucker's definitions

Neumann Mind-Fuck

When you have a boss named Neumann, who is SO intelligent, that you can enter his office with with resolve and with a valid demand and then leave not getting a goddamned thing you wanted, but feel like he gave you the winning numbers of the lottery.

Frank Z: Returning to his office, "FUCK!"
RickO: "What's wrong Frank?"
Frank Z: "I went to Neumann's office to demand that he let me fly business class."
RickO: "Was he receptive?"
FrankZ, rubbing his temples: "Dude, all I know is he explained how it's WAY better to fly coach and that just riding in an airplane is reward enough for anyone. I walked out gushing with gratitude and positivity until I got to the hallway. How the fuck does he do that?"
RickO: "It's called the 'Neumann Mind-Fuck'. He uses it on everyone. ...Do you still have your wallet?"
FrankZ pats his empty rear pockets and screams to the ceiling, "Fuck!"

I went to speak with Neumann about a better coffee machine. Now, I can't stand the taste of coffee... What happened...?
You've just had the Neumann Mind-Fuck.

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker September 9, 2023

spank cam

When you finish an outrageously graphic masturbation session and while wiping up ropes of jizz do you discover the cover of your webcam is wide open.

HAL 9000: "...Yes Dave... I just saw you masturbate. And so did every employee at NASA."
Dr. Dave Bowman: "Hal! You are just a goddamn spank cam!"

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker October 23, 2019

Bukkacne

When your significant other is squeezing a massive pimple and gets their face spackled with shooting sticky sebum.

Mickey: "Remember that huge zit on my back?"
Goofy: "Yeah, the size of a bird's egg. Why?"
Mickey: "I had Minnie bust it last night and it shot all over her face and up her nose."
Goofy: "Garsh! Like one of those Jap'nese movies-- Bukkake!"
Mickey: "More like Bukkacne!"

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker August 2, 2011

elevator popcorn

When you let out a long, silent fart in a crowded elevator. You wait until the elevator door closes and then say, "Hey, does anyone smell popcorn?" You smile as you hear everyone in the elevator inhale through their nostrils in unison.

Goofy: "Hey, Mick-- Garsh, what's so funny?"
Mickey: "Huh, huh! I was riding in an elevator full of people and served up some hot, Elevator Popcorn!"

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker November 19, 2018

droopie goldberg

When you are having wild sex and are about to pop, you think of anything, absolutely anything to take your mind away from sex. Then you imagine Whoopie Goldberg's 'sex face' and your dick immediately becomes soft, like one of those marshmallow chicks you get during Easter.

Minnie: "Harder Mickey, harder!"
Mickey: "Oooops! I shouldn't have thought of Whoopie Goldberg."
Minnie: "... more like 'Droopie Goldberg' you fucking loser."

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker November 24, 2018