Lord Baltimore

A Lord Baltimore is something that happens to your car when you leave it parked in Baltimore. The act invloves someone breaking into your vehicle for the purpose of taking a gruesome shit inside of it. The shit is usually atypical and has either massive coiler or extreme diarrhea properties. The classic Lord Baltimore has the perpetrator taking a shit on one side of your back seat and then using the other side as a place to wipe his ass. The use of the seat itself as toilet paper can be traced to the fact that no one can leave anything of value in a vehicle street-parked in Baltimore due to theft concerns. Note that sometimes the one who performs the Lord Baltimore will use the quiet seclusion of your parked car to inject needle drugs, typically heroin, and will leave his dirty works along with the shit and broken glass in your backseat. The totally unique feature of the Lord Baltimore is that no valuables inside of your car will be removed. No one has ever been arrested for doing a Lord Baltimore although it seems to happen quite frequently, particularly during the winter months. The history of the Lord Baltimore can be traced to Cecilius Calvert himself taking a terrific shit in a carriage that belonged to Oliver Cromwell. Proud Baltimoreans consider being Lord Baltimored one of the best things about their city, and routinely mention the custom's importance in shaping the modern city's identity.

I'm really glad the person who Lord Baltimored us last night didn't take our GPS.

Every time we get Lord Baltimored it makes me sad for those loser suburbanites who don't get all the benefits of living in this cool city.

When I checked the CarFax report it said your Prius was Lord Baltimored twice in 2008.

I got Lord Baltimored last night and I didn't get a chance to clean it up before picking you guys up. Pardon the mess back there. Just push it to the side.

by Cecilius Calvert November 28, 2011